Shut Up, Fool! The Miley Effing Cyrus Edition

Next stop: IMPLANTS!

I don’t know what shocks me more. That nearly everyone I know is talking about Miley Fucking Cyrus or that someone had the balls to ask me where was my blog post about Miley Fucking Cyrus.

Never let it be said I ignore my public.   Usually I do, but this is me making an exception.

We are truly in the dog-shit days of summer.

Personally, I don’t agree there was anything racist in Cyrus’ (ha-ha) “performance.” It was just an aged-out teen looking for a way to shock and awe the folks at home who have never ever never seen a young woman shake her naughty bits in such a lewd and lascivious fashion and probably fainted dead away at the sight of sweet and innocent Hannah Montana’s FLAT ASS all up in their face.

Racist? No. Nauseating? Definitely. Great publicity? Certainly.

Twerking is just a dumb way of dirty dancing. Go to a strip club and you’ll find strippers that have shaken their hind parts for years before Miley Fucking Cyrus learned about this mysterious Negro dance style. If being prim and demure were all it took to get over, Cyrus would do that. She tried that so now she’s sticking her tongue out, wiggling her non-butt, and desperately trying to hide her total absence of musical talent beyond Disney tunes.

Nobody has walked up to Miley Fucking Cyrus and told her she can’t dance that way. But somebody should because she looks like a hot-ass mess.

“We Can’t Stop?” TRY.

I long for the good ol’ days when old Madonna sticking her tongue down Brittney Spears‘ throat was considered outrageous.

Wait. No I don’t.

One looks good with butter and syrup on it. The other does not.

What’s lame is biting off a culture you don’t know shit about and then going on a video music award show on a channel that barely shows video music worthy of awarding and showing the entire world just how little talent you actually have.

Not to make this a racial thing (though it is), but from Negro spirituals to the blues to jazz to rock n’ roll to soul music to rap to hip-hop, Whites have always imitated, adapted or flat-out stolen from Black artists. Pat Boone is one of the most egregious offenders and few dispute his cultural thievery, but throw in Elvis, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Michael Bolton, Vanilla Ice among other musical thieves, and don’t stop until you get Miley Cyrus “twerking” her non-existent ass.

As long as there’s been American music and a Negro making it, there’s been a White person who’s figured out how to cash in on it. As Col. Tom Parker, Elvis’ manager observed, “If I could find a white man who had the Negro sound and the Negro feel, I could make a billion dollars.”

CHA-CHING!

But I’m gonna ease up off Miley Fucking Cyrus. She can’t sing. She can’t dance. She sure can’t twerk. About all she does do well is stick her tongue out. Ooooh. Lookit at me! I’m nasty! Don’t you think I’m nasty? Nasty girls stick their tongue out. Lookit! I’m doing it again! I am such a nasty girl. I’m not Hannah. I’m Miley and I’m NAAAASSSSSSSTY!

One rarely witnesses such a public act of self-humiliation. Poor thing. She needs to come back when she hits puberty because looking at what she calls a “body” and that poor girl got cheated.

We should cut Cyrus some slack for her overt lack of rhythm. And soul. And talent. But that thing with the tongue is working my last good nerve and if she keeps sticking it out somebody is going…well…somebody is gonna DO something to her and that dirty, nasty, bad, filth-flarn-filthy mouth of hers!

What I’m dreading is I know in a week or so, there’s gonna be a new exercise infomercial airing at 3:00 in the morning where some washed-up Z-list, “celebrity” will breathlessly claim to have lost 20 lbs not through sit-ups or diets, but by twerking!

“Hi! I’m Gary Busey, star of stage, screen, television and the L.A.P.D. drunk tank, and I lost 30 lbs of ugly fat by twerking! The hell with Zoomba. Let’s TWERK!”

At that point I will gouge out my eyes with a rusty spoon. I will be blind and it will all be Miley Fucking Cyrus’ fault.

By the way, don’t waste your time complaining to me, “Hey, you’re being sexist because you’re talking about her butt!”  Hey, I’m not the one who went out in public dressed like an undernourished hooker with two sore left feet.  Blame her, not me.  I didn’t dress her and apparently nobody else did either.

Hundreds died when Miley Twerked.
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4 thoughts on “Shut Up, Fool! The Miley Effing Cyrus Edition

  1. That Ms. Cyrus chose to do THIS performance, THIS week, in the middle of the commemoration of the March on Washington, is perhaps racist, perhaps not. But it is a phenomenal demonstration of white privilege for her utter disregard of the optics of her treatment of the other dancers with whom she shared the stage. And, don’t hate me for saying so, but an analysis of this event is possible without disparaging her body. To describe it the way you do can easily be seen as both sexist and racist. You have probably already done so, but if not, and if you still have the energy, check the post on this by Gene Demby of NPR Code Switch for a nice compilation on this topic: http://www.npr.org/blogs/codeswitch/2013/08/29/216899758/about-this-miley-cyrus-business
    And, I do agree, it’s time to move on. It has been since last Monday morning.

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