Mr. Helms Goes to Hell


“I’ve been portrayed as a caveman by some. That’s not true. I’m a conservative progressive, and that means I think all men are equal, be they slants, beaners, or niggers.”

It is said you should say nothing but good things about the dead.

Jesse Helms is dead.


He was racist. He was homophobic. He was a evil man and I can genuinely say I’m happy he’s dead. He was a terrible human being and a waste of skin and good air. I have loved many people and hated a few.

I hated Jesse Helms.   The man was devoid of goodness and mercy and I won’t squirt a single tear for his death.

When I found out he was now sitting on a hot rock in hell I raised a glass to toast Satan’s newest demon.

Maybe it’s my advancing age, but I’ve never seen much point in throwing roses as someone who wallowed in the stinking slime and manure as Helms did. He was a thoroughly detestable man. He was a thug, a bigot and with the single-minded stupidity of the segregationist he was, Helms stood against anything that vaguely smacked of inclusion, diversity, civil rights and human progress.

No way in a fair and just world should a Jesse Helms been permitted to see more sunrises and sunsets than a Richard Pryor, Bill Hicks, Molly Ivins, Hunter S. Thompson, Miles Davis, Frank Zappa, Johnny Cash or Frank Zappa. The fact that he did is proof if there is a God, He is a comedian and enjoys playing jokes with us.

And the good Dr. Thompson could have been talking about Herr Helms when he said this:

We have become a Nazi monster in the eyes of the whole world–a nation of bullies and bastards who would rather kill than live peacefully. We are not just Whores for power and oil, but killer whores with hate and fear in our hearts. We are human scum, and that is how history will judge us…No redeeming social value. Just whores. Get out of our way, or we’ll kill you. Who does vote for these dishonest shitheads? Who among us can be happy and proud of having this innocent blood on our hands? Who are these swine? These flag-sucking half-wits who get fleeced and fooled by stupid rich kids like George Bush?

They are the same ones who wanted to have Muhammad Ali locked up for refusing to kill gooks. They speak for all that is cruel and stupid and vicious in the American character. They are the racists and hate mongers among us–they are the Ku Klux Klan. I piss down the throats of these Nazis.

And I am too old to worry about whether they like it or not. Fuck them.

Someday I will have to take a trip to North Carolina and scotch tape that to the headstone of Jesse Helms.