I’m sick of “celebrities.” Get me out of here!

"Want a date, mister?"

I don’t wanna hurt anyone, but I swear to God, if I have to hear one more damn thing about these “celebrities” that have done little to nothing to celebrate,  somebody’s going to get hurt.

5.   Susan Boyle:   Okay, she can sing.  She really can.  Is that what you want me to admit?   Fine.  NOW GO AWAY!!!  Why in the wide world of sports should I give a hydroelectric damn about some coyote ugly, dumpy, homely, British haufrau who came in second place on a talent show?   YOU LOST!   This is like holding a ticker tape parade for the Arizona Cardinals for the being the second-best team in the Super Bowl.

I’m not hatin’ on Susan Boyle because she’s coyote ugly, dumpy, homely and British.  I’m hatin on Susan Boyle because I cannot turn on the television, log on the net, open a newspaper or draw a breath without someone giving me a Susan Boyle Update I never asked for and do not need.

I wish her all the luck in the world with her future endeavors.   Just get the funk outta my face.   Like forever.

What exactly is so damn cute about overpopulation?

4.    Jon and Kate plus 8:    Okay, so she got preggers, popped out some twins and sextuplets  and now they’re pimping them out for fame, fortune and ratings.   Jon is fooling around.   Kate is being photographed wearing a bikini.    And I’m supposed to care about any of this,  why exactly?

Whenever I see an extended family (which for me is anything more than  two kids) I  smile and think how loving and patient those parents must be and then I go back about my business because as much as I love kids my love is finite.   I’ve got abot enough to spread around to my own two kids and my wife and then I’m tapped out.   I have two children because I never wanted three.

Why would I want to sit down and watch a television show about some morons raising a bunch of cuter-than-hell brats for an eventual movie deal starring  Kate Hudson as Kate and Ryan Reynolds as Jon?

This drek is presently one of the highest-rated shows on TLC or The Learning Channel as it once was known.   What I’ve learned is people love to watch programs featuring other people’s kids.   Maybe it makes them feel better about their own brats.

Not bad for a body thats popped out eight puppies, but not a reason for me to watch the show.

Not bad, but it's no reason to watch the show either.

I understand the standards of being a celebrity aren’t quite as stringent as they once were, but I honestly don’t see what’s to celebrate about the contribution of two twits to global overpopulation.   I’d ask someone to explain it to me, but that would be presuming I actually care.

Jon can go away with his temporary love thang.    Kate can sue for divorce.   That can launch a spin-off show called “Jon Without Kate Paying Child Support for Eight.”

That might work.

3. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt:   I used to want my MTV, but that was when the “M” put the “music” in the “television.”   Now it’s a  just a junk heap of pretty White kids with great bodies,  good hair and higher sex drives than mine.  So of course there’s nothing for me in a show like The Hills.

Everything I know about Heidi and Spencer comes from Wikipedia.   I think they were both on The Hills though it was another nobody, Lauren Conrad that ended up on the cover of an issue of Entertainment Weekly I pitched ten minutes after it came in the mail.   Meh.  I don’t really care enough to find out one way or the other.

Heidi is supposed to be a singer which doesn’t mean a damn thing.   When I’m driving in my car playing “Wherever I May Roam” by Metallica, I’m a singer too except I know I can’t sing.    What Heidi’s  husband does for a living I have no clue besides being blonde, White and pretty like her.

Apparently, they’re both on this season’s I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here where Spencer recently showed his ass in the figurative, not the literal sense when he knocked a drink out of some other D-lister and huffed, ” Super-celebrities don’t belong in the jungle.   They belong in Hollywood with the paparazzi.”


Let that sink in for a minute.

That is definitely a “WTF?” if ever there was one.   Real super-celebrities are known by cute little handles like “Bradangelina” or “Bennifer.”   These  nobodies go by “Speidi.”

I cant do it.  Its too easy.

I can't do it. It's too easy.

There’s scraping the bottom of the barrell and then there’s turning the barrell over and scraping what’s squirming and wiggling under it.   Plus, Heidi says she’s a Republican which proves she’s not even hip enough to be on the winning side of history.

I just realized that I wrote  325 words about Heidi and Spencer and still don’t have a’ clue why they’re celebrities.

2.  Nadya “Octomom” Suleman:   Oh c’mon.  You knew she had to be on any list of celebrities that haven’t done anything worthy of celebrating.    The Octomom is such a pathetic personification of the extremes people will go for their 15 minutes of fame that college students will write their Master thesis on such a relentlessly myopic pursuit of fortune and fame.

The Octomom isn’t a celebrity for a whole boatload of reasons, but I’ve got three why she’s definitely a wrong number.

She’s creepy.   She’s selfish.   She’s greedy.

What makes the Octomom creepy.   When she was just Nadya Denise Doud-Suleman Gutierrez she was a normal, blandly attractive woman.

Now she’s the bizzaro clone of Angelina Jolie.

Suleman who says she struggled with mental illness before the birth of her octuplets apparently has had some plastic surgery and lip implants all the better to imitate the pouty-mouthed Jolie.    She recently added a tattoo similiar to one Jolie sports.

She’s selfish because she added to eight babies to the six children she already has.  What she doesn’t have is a job, a husband or any visible means of support.   One child is austic, another has ADHD and a third is developmentally delayed in learning how to speak.   Those three children alone will require considerable time, effort, money, attention and love.    There isn’t enough hours in the day for Suleman to meet the needs of the children she already had let alone eight more.

Oh, and she has the elephant balls to call Kate “plus eight” Gosselin “desperate for attention” and “over-emotional.”

Honey, puh-leeze.

Mommy, you're a hot mess!

How is Nadia Suleman greedy?   Though she hasn’t finished college she apparently has angled her way into a reality TV show.   Her attorney would not confirm how much Octomommy will be cashing in for, but she was seeking $2 million dollars.

Meanwhile, Suleman has taken the initiative and filed two applications with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to trademark the word, “Octomom,”  which she was tagged with by the media.   Whatever she makes from t-shirts,  diapers and other junk with the “Octomom” label should nicely offset the $490 a month she receives in food stamps.

Suleman’s story is both pitiful, disgusting and repellent all at the same time.   People like her used to end up in cheap carnivals as the Bearded Lady or Snake Charmer.   Now they get government assistance and million dollar deals.

Who said the system doesn’t work?  Nadia Suleman seems to be gaming it just fine.   She breeds like a mare and we all get to pay for the privilege of watching.

Get back or my mouth will attack!

"Get back! A baby might pop out!"

1.  Night of  the Living Pop-Tarts:  Britney, Lindsay, Amy, Kim, Paris and of course, Madge:    Remember when your mama told you to wear clean underwear in case you got in an accident?   What she didn’t tell you is if you get in an accident you might lose control of your bowels and kidneys and your clean underwear really wouldn’t make much of a difference.

Well, for the Paris Hiltons, Brittney Spears,  Amy Crackhouses and all the other pop tart celbritards, their solution is to just forget about the undies all together and au naturel.    For the guys who make their beer and pizza money there’s nothing more certain to generate a nice check that a shot of  some ditzy heiress, broke-down starlet,  drugged or drunk singer clumsily climbing out of an Escalade flashing a shot of boob, butt or beaver.

It would take too long to list the various escapades and sexcapades of Paris Hilton, Brittney Spears,  Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Simpson,  Kim Kardashian, Brooke Hogan, Amy Crackhouse, Pamela Anderson, and the grande dame of them all, Madonna,  Suffice it to say one can only bear witness to only so many examples of gratuitous nudity, publicity stunts, alcoholism, drug abuse, anorexia, binging and purging,  faux bisexuality, nip slips, panty-flashes, butt cracks,  infidelity, broken relationships, tell-all books, backstabbing family members, half-assed suicide attempts and just general all-around bad behavior before one either walks away in complete disgust or total boredom.

Ever see a train wreck in slow motion?  Youre looking at one.

Ever see a train wreck in slow motion? You're looking at one.

I’m calling a “time-out” on all the past, present and future celebrities.   Please go home and stay there.  Let me have a  few weeks of peace without  Kim Karadashian’s cartoon ass,  Madonna’s scary man hands,  newest boy toy or Lady GaGa’s coochie all up in my face.

If nature abhors a void, so does the entertainment industry which continually belches and craps out newer and skankier bimbos, bimbettes and himbos ready to titillate and numb us into submission.

Immediately after 9/11 some wondered if people would want trivial and lightweight entertainment again.   How silly of them.   The appetite of the public for junk food for the eyes and ears is limitless and there’s an all-you-can-eat buffet of worthless, talentless, and flat out freakish “entertainers” vying for out money and attention.

Eat up.   There’s always plenty and lots more where that came from.

Lady GaGa is one classy broad.

That Lady GaGa sure is one classy broad.