Artificial Contrition

"I'm sorry. My penis isn't."

Here’s what Tiger really wanted to say at his news conference, “Why don’t y’all ease up offa my nutz so I can get back to chasin’ dese ho’s?” 

This wasn’t about Tiger getting right with his wife, family or God. This was about him trying to get right with Nike and the god of money.    I didn’t watch it and don’t intend to.  As soon as I heard he wasn’t taking any questions I knew this was going to be one huge waste of  time.   I did however like this line:  “For the sake of my family, leave my wife and kids alone?”  Hey, Tiger, go find a mirror.  Who torn his drawers and put his business in the street?   Will Tiger and the family ever be able to dine in another pancake house without wondering if Daddy is shtupping the waitress?  When in doubt, blame the media, not your zipper. 

Then again, I’m not among the audience that would be receptive to Tiger’s apology.   I never liked golf or Tiger Woods either before he was revealed as a poonhound second only to Hugh Hefner.   Nothing Tiger said changed my mind that he’s nothing but another spoiled, entitled athlete with lots of money and little imagination.

How many of these public humiliations are we supposed to witness before cynicism and boredom sets in?   It’s not as if every single word of Tiger’s statement hadn’t been written, critiqued, scrutinized, stress-tested, approved and signed off by a team of attorneys, public relations flacks, crisis management consultants and other well-compensated experts trying to put Tiger’s shattered image back together again.    At least we were spared the spectacle of Elin Woods dutifully standing by her man.   Maybe enough women have read the fine print of their marriage license to see nothing requires them to smiling grimly at their own public humiliation.

Oh, and for all of those who say, “It’s a private matter and none of our business,” I agree—to an extent. Private individuals don’t hold “press” conferences to give public apologies. Corporate shills like Mr. Woods do.    

He knew he needed the media to air his mea culpa.   Yeah, the press bitched what a farce it would be for Tiger to read his statement, squirt a few tears and walk away without answering all the questions that have arose since that Thanksgiving night,  but  he and they knew they would be there.   It’s news, right?   The reporters grumbled, wrote their reviews and gave the apology two thumbs up or thumbs down just like movie critics reviewing Leonardo DiCaprio in Shutter Island.    Tiger is no movie star, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know how to give a performance. 

Was Tiger sorry?  Sure he was.   Sorry he got caught.  Sorry he had to pay millions to keep his wife from leaving his sorry ass.   Sorry he had to pay hush money to skanks.  Sorry he had to go on television and emasculate himself.  Most of all he’s just sorry he can’t chase all the White tail he wants with reckless abandon anymore.  

 The message some people seem to be imparting is its okay if you lie, cheat, screw around and hide like a coward. Just keep entertaining us and it’s all good.

We sure have lowered the bar in our endless need to be entertained and amused.   Character used to matter as much as ability. 

The broken-hearted porn star and the celebrity attorney hug it out.

3 thoughts on “Artificial Contrition

    • I usually don’t dignify one word “responses” with my own, but I’ll make an exception.

      While I can identify with the “people in glass houses” argument, I can’t co-sign it. As a man and husband, I’ve done things I wouldn’t necessarily want dragged kicking and screaming out of the closet into the light of day. But then again, I’m not a public figure. No one is writing fat checks for me to endorse their razor blades, Buicks and energy drinks (I’m available. Call me).

      I can admire Tiger’s unmatched ability with a golf club while sneering at Tiger’s sloppy and stupid indiscretions. I can even accept his safe, assimilated Negro act. He is best buddies with Michael Jordan, after all.

      What I don’t admire and don’t accept is his stage managed, overly manipulative and control freak issues. His “apology” had all the sincerity and spontaneity of a porn star’s orgasm (something he knows about personally). It’s fine to be sorry, but it should at least LOOK as if it’s from the heart and not with a cocked eye at pleasing the corporate sponsors who write those fat checks.

      Otherwise, we’ll just have to agree to disagree.


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