There’s no single reason I’m such a Kobe Bryant Hater. It’s a whole grocery list of reasons. I hate Kobe because he plays for the Los Angeles Fakers, the most corporate and soulless franchise in sports not named The Dallas Cowboys. I hate Kobe because he’s a whiny little bitch who has never fouled anyone in his life but screams and tries to show up the refs if they don’t blow the whistle when someone looks cross-eyed at him. How many times in a game will you see him screaming for a foul and not bothering to get back on defense? Too many times for me not to roll my eyes in disgust as he pouts like a baby who’s had a binky pulled from his mouth.
I hate Kobe for showing up his teammates by going entire quarters without taking a shot and when the Fakers fall behind, he’s yoking up shots from all over the court. The guy is the original black hole. He passes it when he feels like it, but God help you if you don’t knock down the shot when Kobe Bean decides you’re worthy to play with his basketball. Screw it up and the next time you’ll see the ball is during morning shootaround.
I hate Kobe for being mentioned in the same breath as Michael Jordan. No doubt that Kobe is the best postseason player in the NBA (since Lebron only raises hell in the regular season). I hate his swagger. I hate his “me first” attitude. I hate that he’s a gunner, a black hole and as selfish a player to ever step on the hardwood and I really, really hate the way he jabs at other players so he can feed his ego.
I hated Kobe when he went to Denver, screwed some 19-year-old hotel clerk, lied about it and threw Shaquille O’ Neal’s big butt under a fleet of Greyhound buses trying to save his own sorry ass.
But forget about all that. Kobe and the Fakers have triumphed again. Cue up “We Are the Champions.” Nail the plywood over the windows for the victory parade. Let the good times roll in the City of Angels.
Hoo-rah and ho-hum. Bryant the Brat, the most unlikable superstar in a league full of unlikable superstars, and the L.A. Fakers won their second NBA championship in a row. I’m just soooooooo excited. Now go away. I’ve had just about all I can stand from the David Stern Dog and Pony Show for this year.
Take your rings and your trophy and your stupid scowl and your crappy “Damn, I’m Great” attitude and lock yourself away in a vault somewhere with a bottles of Grey Goose, some porno skanks and a truckload of money from your Nike endorsement.
What is there to brag about a game#7 where the Fakers shoot 32 percent and the alleged best player in Crunch Time bricked 18 of 24 shots? That the referees kindly escorted Kobe Bean Bryant to the free throw line 15 times and helped him limp to a just-okay 23 points? Yes, Bryant grabbed an impressive 15 rebounds, but when you’re clanging them off the rim the way the Fakers did, you’re going to get plenty of opportunities.
Back-to-back championships are something to brag about but despite the MVP award going to Bryant, big man Pau Gasol had just as big of a contribution the Fakers dumping the Celtics. Coach Phil Jackson will get to inflate his own insufferable egotism a bit more, but this is not a great Fakers team. They happen to be the most dominant team in a league full of fatally flawed and talent-starved franchises.
“Just got one more than Shaq,” Kobe said after downing the Celtics in a 83-79 slog through some of the ugliest basketball ever seen, “You can take that to the bank. I don’t forget anything.”
Sensing perhaps that he was forgetting that he was coming off as a petty, arrogant and sniveling little asshole, Kobe tried to clean it up a bit.
“It’s tough for me to really put that into any kind of context, because 90 percent of what I’ve learned and what I’ve figured out comes from him,” he said. “This is not a situation where it’s a me-and-Shaq rivalry kind of thing. It’s a genuine love that I have for him and what he’s done for me.”
Genuine love? There wasn’t anything remotely like love between the Bean and the Big Aristotle in 2003 when Kobe whined to ESPN’ Jim Gray:
GRAY: What was your reaction to Shaq saying the Lakers are his team, and everybody knows it?
BRYANT: It doesn’t matter whose team it is. Nobody cares. I don’t, Karl [Malone] doesn’t, Gary [Payton] doesn’t, and our teammates and the fans don’t either. There’s more to life than whose team this is. But this is his team, so it’s time for him to act like it. That means no more coming into camp fat and out of shape, when your team is relying on your leadership on and off the court. It also means no more blaming others for our team’s failure, or blaming staff members for not overdramatizing your injuries so that you avoid blame for your lack of conditioning. Also, “my team” doesn’t mean only when we win; it means carrying the burden of defeat just as gracefully as you carry a championship trophy.
The beef between Kobe and Shaq really took off after Kobe’s rape bust in Denver when he told police detectives he should have just done like Shaq does with his women, pay them off so they don’t rat him out. Eagle, Colo., Detective Doug Winters wrote in a police report how Bryant ripped into his then-teammate:
Bryant, 26, also insisted he hadn’t thought of a payoff because he treats women much better than his gargantuan teammate.
“He stated he, Bryant, treats a woman with respect, therefore they shouldn’t say anything,” Winters said.
“Respect” apparently including asking women if he can bust a nut in their face. Keep it classy, Kobe.
Enjoy your one for the thumb Kobe. Now you can buy wifey another $4 million dollar, 8-carat diamond so she doesn’t walk out on your ass and rape your bank account like Elin is doing Tiger. Sell some more Nikes made in sweatshops by child laborers. Sneer some more and boast about how great you are while the servile L.A. sport writers ride your jock.
You still aren’t better than Jordan. You still aren’t a better player for the Fakers than Magic Johnson. You still are a flaming asshole.