Drving with no brakes on the Short Bus of Fail

"We're all bozos on this bus. La-la-la!"

Note:  This is a rant.  If you don’t care for pro football, the San Francisco Choking Dogs or bad language, please pass this by.  We’ll resume our irregularly scheduled socially responsible posting at a later time.  Right now, I’m too mad, too pissed and too lost in a foul, ugly mood to do anything but rage a bit.

This was supposed to be the year everything fell into place for Alex Smith, the overall Number One draft pick.  He finally had the same offensive coordinator for two seasons in a row.  He was loaded with weapons on offensive in stud RB Frank Gore, TE Vernon Davis and WR Michael Crabtree.  The Niners drafted two offensive linemen to give Smith time to stay upright while trying to decide which sexy toy he was going to play with next. And it’s all turned to crap because the offensive coordinator is  either senile, can’t figure out what plays to call or can’t call them fast enough before the play clock expires. Take your pick.

When losing become a part of a team’s psyche it permeates every facet of their game.  The Niners look for new ways to lose each week and have been wildly successful in finding them.  Against the Seahawks, they blew opportunities to score early and when Seattle figured it out they strafed the Niners through the air and rolled them as the coaches looked confused and bewildered. Result: Seahawks: 31 49ers: 6

Up next,   the Saints.  The Niners outplayed, out-hit and out-hustled the world champs but still lost.  Like 53 Charlie Browns they looked for ways to screw themselves.   They muffed punts, they fumbled, and saw not one, but two footballs bounce off the fingertips of a receiver and into the waiting arms of a Saint defender.  Even when they came back to score the game and convert a two-point conversion to possibly send the game into overtime, they left too much time on the ground for Drew Brees who found a wide-open Marcus Colston at a critical phase and set up the winning field goal.   Result: Saints: 25 49ers: 22Bolstered by a above-par performance that fell just short, the Niners confused losing narrowly with almost winning. They weren’t shy about talking shit over how they had kicked the Saints’ ass up and down the field, but had shot themselves in the foot with turnovers and penalties.  Vernon Davis felt cocky enough to guarantee a win over the unbeaten Chiefs.

Big mistake.  As it turned out, a HUGE mistake because they got run off the field.The defense collapsed again as beleaguered Chiefs QB Matt Cassell passed for 250 yards and three touchdowns as the running backs rolled up another 207 yards on the ground as the once-proud 49ers defense was shredded.

Meanwhile the 49ers offense didn’t bother showing up as the offensive line was truly offensive as first round pick Anthony Davis was a turnstile personally giving up three of the five sacks to the Chiefs.  Result: Chiefs: 31 49ers: 10   (and all alone in the cellar of the putrid NFC West). How’s that guarantee working out for ya, Vernon?  Next time, have a nice, big cup of shut the fuck up and wait until you’ve actually won the game to start talking shit.   The 49ers have been totally exposed as phonies, posers and pretenders.  Forget about winning the division.  Forget about the playoffs.  That’s all over now. This team is staring at going 0-5 before the Raiders come to town and that’s hardly a gimme anymore. If the 49ers were a television show, they’d be The Biggest Loser.   There’s not a winless team among the five 0-3 teams that has underwhelmed the way the Niners have.

No, you don't work here anymore. Yes, you can keep the hat.

Nobody’s surprised the Bills, Lions, Browns and Panthers are winless.  They’re all either young, rebuilding or both.  The 49ers were the sexy pick to not only win the division and crash the playoffs,  but a  few idiots actually had them as a Super Bowl pick.    How stupid do those dopes feel right about now?  And no, I was not one of those front-running fools.

The Browns and Bills played hard and came up short against superior teams in the Ravens and Patriots respectively.  I don’t believe for one second the Chiefs have more talent than the 49ers.  But talent without heart, guts or brains is useless and right about now the 49ers have no heart, play gutless, pathetically dull ball and may be the dumbest team in the NFL.

The optimists will say the Niners play in the 17-week monument to mediocrity that is the  NFC West so if they can put together a winning streak  9-7 might be enough to win it.   Except when you record is already closer to those seven losses than the nine wins that’s not thinking realistically.   This team is toast.  Samurai Mike Singletary talks a  great game, but more accomplished as a motivational speaker than a NFL head coach.   He doesn’t call plays and he apparently can’t make adjustments on the fly or during halftime to the game plan when things go ass up.   For this team to take that next step they thought they were ready for this season it’s going to take an experienced general manager in the front office and a proven head coach on the field to get the job done.  Jon Gruden and Bill Cowher, Jeb York just put in a “friend” request on Facebook.

Singletary says there will be personnel changes made after this latest skunking.   A scant 24 hours after proclaiming Raye would remain the team’s offensive coordinator, he was toast.  Yahoo! Sports provided  a chart of his career “success” which proves Raye makes teams worse, not better.

When you’re as fucked up as the 49ers are sacrifices must be made and scalps must be claimed.  Dumping clueless offensive coordinator Jimmy Raye was sad for him, but good for an offense stifled by his overly cautious and conservative approach.

But blaming Raye’s dull 31st ranked offense as the obvious whipping boy in the touchdown crazed NFL misses the point.  This is a team effort. Raye’s timid play-calling  only put up 38 points in three games, but coordinator Greg Manusky’s defense has given up a whopping 84 points and the special teams have been nothing to get excited about either.

Looks like I picked the wrong season to get Direct TV and the NFL Sunday Ticket.  Nice going 49ers.  Stinking up the joint and sucking elephant balls so far and being both boring and bad in the process.

It’s enough to make a brother switch over to the Bengals or Browns (yes, it has come to that!).

The 49ers boy wonder and brain trust. God save us.

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