Merry Christmas, y’all, from The Domino Theory. What did you get me?
Not a damn thing, huh? That’s the same thing you get me every year!
Fine. Be that way then. If you’re going to be like that, I’m going to hand out a few lumps of coal to some actors I wish would go away. I don’t want anything bad to happen to them. Just disappear so I can go back to the multiplex without any of them messing up my movie-going experience.
Adam Sandler: I don’t get why anyone thinks he’s funny. If you find bodily functions and kicks to the crotch hilarious, he’s The Man. Otherwise, the fact such an underwhelming nebbish has any sort of career is worthy of a congressional investigation.
Chris Rock: Brilliant on stage. Bombs on film. Isn’t it time to record another comedy album? Pretty please with sugar on top?
Jennifer Aniston: Yes, you’re pretty. No, you can’t act so please just go away…
Katherine Heigl: … and take her with you…
Kevin James: Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
Al Pacino: This hurts, but Al doesn’t even try to act anymore. He just yells, screams, chews up the scenery and says, “where’s my check?”
Robert DeNiro: Remember when a new DeNiro movie meant something? Bobby D hasn’t made one of those in a looooong time. There’s always hope DeNiro will stop wasting his talent on films unworthy of it, but if he doesn’t seem to care, I probably shouldn’t either.
Ben Stiller: Can a human being be even less funny than Adam Sandler, but almost as successful? Yes, and Stiller proves it. The only Ben Stiller movie in my DVD collection is Tropic Thunder where two supposed comedians, Stiller and Jack Black, were shown up by Robert Downey, Jr. AND Tom Cruise. That does take some talent and being one of most unfunny actors working has made Stiller a millionaire. Life’s not fair.
Cameron Diaz: She’s a great actress! (No, she’s not!) She’s a raving beauty! (Only if you’ve never seen a beautiful woman.) She’s got a killer body! (If you’re hot for girls built like boys.) She’s a total mystery to me! (Totally.)
Zoe Saldana: Something about Zoe bugs me. It might be that she keeps appearing in action flicks (The Losers, Colombiana), but is so skinny and frail it stretches logic to believe she could regularly punch out grown-ass men. It could be that I know she’s attractive, but she never comes off as approachable or even someone I want to pull for. What it might be is every time I see Saldana in a movie no matter what the film is about she’s always–ALWAYS–cast as the Black girlfriend of the non-Black hero (Avatar, The Losers, Death At a Funeral, Takers, Star Trek). How does she make two movies with Idris Elba and dodge him in both? Is it written in her contract?
Eddie Murphy: Went soft. Hasn’t been funny for years. He’s chasing checks just like Pacino and DeNiro and there’s no shame in Eddie’s game. He’ll be the first to admit he’s been cranking out crap like Norbit and Daddy Day Care. I applaud his candor. I avoid his movies.
Angelina Jolie: Don’t know why, but I just don’t dig her. Maybe it’s that “Most Beautiful Woman in the World” jive being shoved up my nose? I also don’t dig bony ass babes whose lips are bigger than their rib cages. Stop adopting kids from all around the world long enough to pound down a sandwich. Or two. Or three.
Shia LaBeouf: I have a theory the brilliant minds in Hollywood get it in their heads that certain actors/actresses are the greatest thing since sliced bread and if they just keep putting them in movies over and over eventually YOU. WILL. LOVE. THEM.
This is the only reason I can come up for the continued existence of Shia LaBeouf.
Ryan Reynolds:Beefcake gets no duller or dumber than this. Reynolds possess A-list looks sabotaged by his D list talent. He killed the Blade movies, desecrated Deadpool and Green Lantern is a stone cold, leadpipe lock for one of the worst movies of the year. Stop this guy before he kills another superhero franchise.
Meryl Streep: Yeah, I said it. Since when is changing accents in every movie considered great acting? One minute Meryl’s nailed a French accent or an English accent or a Polish accent or a German accent and the next the Academy Awards nominations automatically follow. If Streep rolls over in the morning and cuts a loud fart, there’s a movie critic nearby applauding her authenticity.
She is always watchable, but her movies usually aren’t. Streep has had more great performances than great movies.
When Meryl Streep can nail a Black accent and play Madea , I’ll be impressed.
Speaking of Madea…
Tyler Perry was named by Forbes magazine as the biggest moneymaker in Hollywood. Bigger than Cruise or DiCaprio or Depp. I supposed I should be impressed the most profitable man in the biz is a Black man from Atlanta.
Porn is profitable. That doesn’t make it good.
The question was actors I wish would go away. I don’t consider Tyler Perry any sort of actor. It takes no acting ability to put on a fat suit, glasses and a wig and turn yourself into a Bible-thumping, gun waving, full of piss and vinegar big Black mama.
All it takes is pandering to stereotypes and the lowest common denominator of your target audience. No acting ability required. All you need to be is a pandering hack.
Perry is very successful at what he does and it’s really kind of sad what he does is make lots of money from making terrible movies.