This is all written with tongue firmly in cheek. Am I really comparing two NFL coaches with an insane Nazi and the Prince of Darkness? No, I am not, so unclench.
We’re standing on the verge of Super Bowl 49 as the defending champion Seattle Seahawks take on the New England Patriots and because these sort of things are always reduced to a chess match between the coaches, it’s one lyin, cheatin’ ass coach in Billy Belichick against another lyin’ cheatin’ ass coach in Petey Carroll.
The game is billed as Patriots vs. Seahawks, but when both sides are full of assholes you can stand it more like ISIS vs Al Qaeda, explosive diarrhea vs inflamed hemorrhoids. This is a battle between Satan vs. Hitler because they’re both evil. One is just more evil. If only there were a way both of them could lose in a 0-0 tie after four overtimes that would be okay by me.. Mostly I’ll be happy if the Seawhores ram an inflated football up the ass of the Patsies.
As a 49ers fan I have no rooting interest for either side. As a 49ers fan I already hate the fucking Seawhores, As a 49ers fan its blasphemy to pull for the Seawhores. As a 49ers fan, I’ve seen Russell Wilson rip apart the secondary, Mumbling Marshawn Lynch run around, over and through the D-line, and watched helplessly as Richard Sherman made All-Pro based on lighting up Colin Kaepernick. As a 49ers fan, I hate fucking Seawhores because they absolute own the 49ers.
But I hate the fucking Patriots more.
Everything wrong with the NFL is what’s wrong with the Patriots. The head coach is a cheater. The quarterback is a whiner and a cheater. Now I’m not saying Belichick is in league with Satan, but if Satan is pulling for anybody in the Super Bowl, it has to be the Patriots. If the Seven Deadly Sins are Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy and Pride, I can make a case the Patriots are guilty of at least five of them.
This doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of reasons to despise the sight of Petey Carroll including being a 9/11 Truther (possibly) as well as leaving as head coach at the University of Southern California to take over the Seahags just before the school got busted by the NCAA for rules violations (definitely). The kids he left at USC got stuck with the sanctions while Carroll cashed big checks from Seawhores owner Paul Allen.
Carroll ethical lapses and questionable character make it hard to pull for him, but the repeated way the Patsies flip the bird at the entire NFL with their persistent insistence the rules do not apply to them the way it does to the rest of the NFL makes it impossible to pull for them. The Homeless Guy in the Hoodie must have “if you ain’t cheatin’ you ain’t tryin’ on his scrotum and that’s enough to make me cheer for the Dallas Cowboys and I hate the stinking’ Dallas Cowboys.
Given the choice between Hitler Pete and Satan Bill, I’m gonna reluctantly roll with the dictator and hope like hell Belicheat, Lady Brady and the Patsies take the “L” today. A humiliating loss would be good. A vicious blowout would be better.
Seawhores: 24 – Patsies: 17