WINNERS WINNERS CHICKEN DINNER!
Marco Rubio: (energetic and laid down some pretty good smackdowns on The Donald. Now what will he do with the spotlight?)
Carly Fiorina: (even better smackdowns of The Donald, but she’s running for a Cabinet position or another Senate bid)
Rand Paul: (probably too late to help much, but he joined in on The Donald Dogpile with enthusiasm. Lindsay Graham and Piyush Jindal give you two thumbs up!)
I’M A LOSER, BABY SO WHY DON’T YOU KILL ME?
Ben Carson: (Hey! Doc! You’re right next to the front runner and you’re in second place in Iowa. Kick his ass! You think if she were in your place Carly wouldn’t? )
Jeb Bush: (Because he stayed awake better than the first debate, but he couldn’t have been much worse).
John Kasich: (if you want to move up in the podium positioning Johnny-Boy, you gotta say something worth remembering besides you wouldn’t defund Planned Parenthood)
Donald Trump: (Ever see a team get a big lead on an over-matched opponent and keep running up the score? That was Trump. Punching on Paul’s poll numbers and looks is dumb).
WHY TRY HARDER? OR TRY AT ALL?
Chris Christie: (STOP LYING ABOUT MY RECORD! Aw shit. That was me lying about my record!)
Scott Walker: (Like cheese? Like beer? Visit Wisconsin. We’ve got lots of both. Why am I here again? Oh yeah. To stop Kasich from taking my spot here)
DEAD RAT STUCK IN A PIPE.
Ted Cruz: (So you were happy when George Bush selected John Roberts for the Supreme Court but now you’re mad he did? First rule of politics, Ted: Never apologize and never explain Look how well that’s been working for The Donald, the shark to your pilot fish).
Mike Huckabee: (Is there a church somewhere with a need to hire a Bible-thumping, fire n’ brimstone preacher because this guy knows nothing about the U.S. Constitution).
WON SIMPLY BY NOT BEING THERE
Ronald Reagan: Because he’s dead and didn’t have to watch these losers stumbling around on stage claiming to be St. Ronnie’s secret love child.
Say, why are we on our second Repubs debate before the Dems even have their first? Isn’t it about time Hillary and Bernie and Marty all got together to spread the boredom around? Since they both come from states without pro football teams, Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb have nothing better to do this weekend. Uncle Joe might even show up. He’s always fun!