Don’t Believe the Superhype

"I left my Dab in San Francisco..."

Sorry. There is no dabbing in the Super Bowl.

The only thing we like in America more than celebrating our winners is tearing apart our losers. We wildly cheer them one week when they thrill us and we boo them without mercy the next when they do trip up and do a face plant.

Cam Newton smiled and threw touchdowns and dabbed and danced his way to a Superhype Bowl. Then a funny thing happened. He essentially wet the bed in front of 111 million people.

Superhype Bowl 50 did likewise. Two teams clenching, grappling, and throwing half-hearted pokes at each other (at least both the offenses were pretty anemic) until someone screwed up in a way their defense couldn’t cover for their ineffectual asses.

How bad were the Panthers and Broncos on offense? This bad.

The Panthers had 21 first downs. The Broncos had 11.
The Panthers converted on 3 of 14 third downs. The Broncos on 1 of 14.
Cam Newton and Peyton Manning tasted the tacky, torn-up turf of Levi Stadium a combined 12 times in sacks.
The two teams fumbled seven times losing four of them.
Both quarterbacks threw more interceptions (1 each) than touchdowns (none).
Both quarterbacks combined for slightly over 300 net yards passing which is pretty awful in Roger’s Goodell’s pass-crazy NFL.
The two teams punted 15 times.

That’s some lousy football, folks.

Didn't do much to win it. Just didn't too much to lose it.

Didn’t do much to win it. Just didn’t too much to lose it.

The Panthers lost ugly and the Broncos won ugly and everyone still had to go to work the next day. The game was bad and the commercials were bad and Coldplay was really bad. Where’s so super about that?

Cam Newton led the Carolina Panthers to a 17-1 record going into Super Bowl 50. Then for the next 60 minutes he played like shit and now those 17 wins before that second loss don’t count?

Newton didn’t lose the Super Bowl. Not by himself though it’s his contributions which will be scrutinized without pity or mercy. He fucked up over under sideways down, but the hammering the Panthers took on Sunday night in San Francisco? That was a team loss.

Newton didn’t play well enough but Jonathan Stewart and the running backs didn’t run well enough and Ted Ginn, Jerrico Cothcery, Greg Olsen and the receivers didn’t catch enough passes. Graham Gano shanked a makeable field goal. The offensive tackles couldn’t block a busload of angry nuns let alone DeMarcus War and Von Miller who regularly snatched the jocks of Mike “Turnstile” Remmers and Michael “Don’t Put Me On The Blindside” Oher on their way to smash Newton again.

Head coach Ron Rivera fussed and cussed and wasted his red flag challenges and pretty much stood on the sidelines looking like a man who just knew he had left his wallet in the toilet before the National Anthem. Offensive coordinator Mike Shula had no clue what to do to keep Cam from getting creamed because whoever the offensive line coach is hadn’t told him before leaving the stadium at halftime and was updating his resume on Linkedin in a cab on his way to the airport.

After the game Manning shamelessly plugged Budweiser and denied CBS an announcement that this was indeed his last rodeo which indeed it needs to be because his right arm has all the strength of a wet noodle. For what his contributions were to the Broncos 24-10 win, there are third-string scrubs on 31 other teams who could eke out a limp stat line of 13 completions on 24 attempts for 141 yards, no touchdowns and one interception.

Please retire, Peyton. You got your 200th win and your second Superhype Bow ring. Now go sit down and hum that horrible Nationwide Insurance theme while you pound down some rancid Papa John’s pizza and wash it down with some nasty-ass Bud. See you in five years when you go into the Hall of Fame.

Go away, Peyton.

I repeat: THERE IS NO DABBING IN THE SUPER BOWL.

I repeat: THERE IS NO DABBING IN THE SUPER BOWL.
As for Cam and the crew, there is no dabbing at the Superhype Bowl. For your immediate future there is only an incoming storm of endless condemnation of how immature you are and how you need to grow up and respect the game.   Oh, and you and your team are a bunch of choking dogs.   They’ll probably remind you of that too.

Shake it off, Cam. If they didn’t like you before, they’re loving how much they get to hate on you now. If success has a thousand fathers and failure is an orphan, you’re all alone in the end zone as you gloomily reflect upon how close you came and how far you still have to go.

This was an unsatisfying end to an extremely satisfying season. Winning 17 games and a league MVP does not suck. The Panthers are young and tough and if the front office is smart, they’ll find some more receivers and some offensive tackles that can roadgrade oncoming linebackers. Put that on your “to do” list, and I guarantee the Panthers will be back in the Superhype Bowl before the Broncos are.

But until then, Newton and the Panthers will hear it loud and hear it loud. Hear it good and don’t forget how it made you feel when you heard it. Then next season, remember those names and make them laugh out of the other side of their mouths along with the split lips and broken teeth.

The Panthers aren’t going to sneak up on anyone next season. Good. When they see you coming with blood in your eyes it will make the ass-whupping you’re bringing with you all the worse.   Let their hate be your fuel.

I hope those Panthers are not playing the 49ers next season. That is, unless they get rid of Colin Kapernick and the Niners run Blaine Gabbert out there. Then I want the Panthers to stomp the cowboy shit out of them.

See you at SB100?

See you at SB100?

Why Hate Cam Newton Because He Has More Fun On His Job Than You Do?

Cam is the Man for the Fans.

Cam is the Man for the Fans.

One of the smarter moves I made last year was calling up DirectTV and asking for a discount on the NFL Sunday Ticket (and I ended up getting it for free).  Last year was the first year I actively avoided Niners games.  It made zero sense to pay $300 to watch the 49ers stack up 5 wins against 11 losses.  That would have been an expenditure even my extremely tolerant wife would have given the side eye too.

I can’t say what any other Niner fans did to escape watching a deadly dull football team stumble through such a rotten season even the Cleveland Browns put a foot all up in that ass,  but my refuge was to follow the Carolina Panthers and their charismatic QB, Cam Newton, the likely NFL Most Valuable Player.

The Panthers went 15-1 in the regular season and crushed the Seahawks and Cardinals on their way to the NFL Championship and punched their ticket to Super Bowl 50 where they face the Denver Broncos, hoping to win what appears to be a last run for a ring for 39-year-old Payton Manning.   The Broncos feature a kick-ass defense and an aging, creaky QB who looked frail and fragile at times this season, but rebounded somewhat in the playoffs.

It should be an epic match-up between the old gunslinger trying for one last shot at glory and the new fast draw who is cocky and on top of his game.    As dreary and miserable as slogging through the 49ers’ Season in Hell was, the tonic was watching the Panthers’ wide-open offense and take no prisoners “D” plow through the NFL, and it was enjoyable to watch Newton play with a smile on his face  and making plays with his legs as well as his arm.

Newton had the sort of season where it wasn’t only fun to watch him, he was having fun doing it.   The trouble is if you have too much fun in the No Fun League you’re going to take some from the fans (not Carolina fans mind you).

15-yard penalty for Dabbing While Black.

Don’t Hate Me Cuz U Can’t Dab Like Me.

Here’s a sampling of the dogpile from Pro Football Talk:

Newton’s style is obnoxious, juvenile and bush league that’s why people don’t like him. Not because he’s black. Russell Wilson is black and NFL fans respect his style because it is professional and shows humility.

·         Cameron “the thief” Newton celebrates a first down when he is losing by 24 points. The guy is the definition of ME ME ME.

 ·         Newton has always been about trying to get as much attention as he can get. It doesn’t matter to me whether or not it can be backed up. I just can’t find it possible to actually like him.

 ·         I don’t think any fan has a problem with celebrating. But Newton celebrates every TD like he just won his 15th straight super bowl, cured cancer, and created an unlimited source clean, free energy for the planet.

 ·         Once Cam Newton starts acting like a Professional he will be elite like Peyton.

I always enjoy when someone says “it’s not because he’s Black” and then immediately follows up with an example of a Black person they find acceptable.  It’s even more hilarious to say when Newton starts acting professional like Peyton Manning that will make him elite.

Does that mean Newton has to start shilling lousy pizza for a right-wing millionaire and be investigated for using human growth hormone?

Football is both a kid’s game and a billion dollar business. Cam loves the kids and the kids love Cam, especially when after the Panthers score, Newton hands a ball to a kid who is usually so excited they’re probably going to sleep with that ball for the next five years.

Young, Incredibly Gifted, and Black. Rich, too!

No kid who gets a football from Newton thinks he’s a selfish showboat who only cares about himself.  Newton pisses off other players and purists, but he’s delighting the Panthers fans and developing a national following for the team.  That’s good for the business of the NFL which is far from being the most fan-friendly sport.

Cam Newton does not take games off because he’s getting drunk and lying to his employers or fighting in strip clubs or depositing babies across the NFL     If the worst thing anyone can say about Newton is they don’t like how he celebrates a touchdown, they should be mad at the other team’s defense for not stopping him.

I don’t know if Newton reads James Baldwin, but he explained it a long time ago when he said, “The power of the white world is threatened whenever a black man refuses to accept the white world’s definitions.”  All those small-minded types clutching their pearls and grumbling how Newton doesn’t act like that nice Russell Wilson or that elite Payton Manning are missing the point.  Cam Newton chooses to define himself and that threatens the White world that insists only they can do that.

They will never forgive Newton for that so he might as well keep on dancing and dabbing and having a good time all the way to a Lombardi Trophy on Sunday.

If Cam Newton scowled and frowned his critics would say he needs to smile more.   He can’t win with them and shouldn’t bother to try.

Thankyouforlettingmebemyselfagain.

 

Black QB Sports Tats. White Hack Attacks.

kapernick-tats

There is a great deal of buzz and most of it overwhelmingly negative to a column (and I use that in the most liberal sense of the word) written by David Whitley of the AOL Fanhouse where he rips into San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick for the tattoos on his body.

Excerpts:

“San Francisco’s Colin Kaepernick is going to be a big-time NFL quarterback. That must make the guys in San Quentin happy.

Approximately 98.7 percent of the inmates at California’s state prison have tattoos. I don’t know that as fact, but I’ve watched enough “Lockup” to know it’s close to accurate.

I’m also pretty sure less than 1.3 percent of NFL quarterbacks have tattoos. There’s a reason for that.

NFL quarterback is the ultimate position of influence and responsibility. He is the CEO of a high-profile organization, and you don’t want your CEO to look like he just got paroled.”

Whitley continues:

“For dinosaurs like me, NFL quarterbacks were our little Dutch boys. The original hero stuck his finger in the dyke to save Holland. Pro QBs were the last line of defense against the raging sea of ink. When our kids said they wanted a tattoo, we could always point to the Manning brothers.”

My guess is Archie would have made Peyton throw an extra 1,000 passes before dinner if he’d come home with a tattoo. The old man knew QBs are different.”Did Sammy Baugh, Johnny Unitas, Doug Williams or Joe Montana have arms covered in ink? Do Tom Brady, Drew Brees or Aaron Rodgers? The world will end when Tim Tebow shows up a tattoo parlor.

Then, Whitley goes for the money shot:

It’s not just a white thing, I hope. When the Panthers interviewed Cam Newton, owner Jerry Richardson popped the question.

This is David Whitley.  He doesn't like quarterbacks with tats.

This is David Whitley. He doesn’t like quarterbacks with tats.

Do you have any tattoos?” he asked.

No, sir,” Newton said. “I don’t have any.”

We want to keep it that way,” Richardson said.

He was OK with body art on other players, including the human canvas that is Jeremy Shockey. But Newton would be the face, arms and legs of the franchise. The boss didn’t want them covered in ink lines.

Let’s keep it that way,” he told Newton.

In Whitley’s world, if you can’t be a White QB sans tats, the next best thing is to be a Black QB sans tats. Cam Newton: good Black quarterback. Colin Kapernick: bad Black quarterback.

I can only guess where Robert Griffith III with his dreads fall on the continuum.

A few thoughts: In the NFL the only God that is worshiped is the God of Money. A player can gun down the mother of his child, drive to the stadium, confront the coach and general manager and blow his own brains out as they watch in horror and the league will offer grief counselors for the traumatized team, but the game scheduled for Sunday goes on. Next man up.

No athlete in any sport is more disposable than a professional football player. Their contracts are not guaranteed unlike their counterparts in baseball and basketball. Blow out a knee today and you’re out on the street tomorrow. Literally.

If a football player’s body betrays him, if it breaks down, if it becomes too beat-up and battered to make a Jerry Richardson and owners like him money, he will get rid of the tattoo free Cam Newton like yesterday’s breakfast. The NFL uses up young men and discards them. Whose business is it they want a one tat or decide to turn their entire body into a canvas. Their bodies are all they own. They should be free to do with it as they will even if it pisses Jerry Richardson and David Whitley.

Colin is a young Black man who was adopted by Rick and Teresa Kaepernick and while they are proud of their son’s success as an NFL QB, they weren’t happy with Whitley comparing him to convicts, as they explained to USA Today.

“It annoyed me,” Teresa said. “You are categorizing this kid on something like tattoos? Really? Saying other guys are role models because they don’t have them? Really? Some of these other guys don’t have crystal clear reputations. That’s how you’re going to define this kid? It’s pretty irritating, but it is what it is.”

This David Whitley's boss.  What's HIS problem?

This is David Whitley’s boss. What’s HIS problem?

“This guy has probably never talked to Colin,” Rick said. “Instead of saying that Colin does all these great things and donates his time to children, this guy is going to make him out like a gangster. Really? I guess you just have to roll with the punches.”

It’s this kind of crap vomited up by hacks like David Whitley that feeds into the stereotype of Young Black Men as Thugs/Gangsta Wannabees and it isn’t a vast leap in logic to think this stereotype is what is rattling around in the mind of a George Zimmerman when he hunts down a hoodie-wearing Trayvon Martin or a Michael Dunn when he blows away a Justin Davis who was bumping his music too loud.

Isn’t it about time someone shot Whitley, Bill O’Reilly and every other White man jonesing for the good old days with a tranquilizer dart, implanted a microchip in their asses and shipped them back to The Fifties where they and their “Traditional America” can live happily ever motherfucking after?

The overwhelmingly negative response to Whitley’s race-baiting rant should make it clear to Sporting News Editor-in-Chief Garry D. Howard that Whitley’s column was in atrociously bad taste at best and is insulting and offensive at worst.

Mr. Howard is an African-American. He might be sensitive to how poisonous it is to permit wretched stereotypes to go unchecked and unchallenged.

Real quarterbacks don't have tats.  Says who?

Real quarterbacks don’t have tats. Says who?

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