CUT! Actors that need to take a nice long break.

The only good argument against gay marriage

Merry Christmas, y’all, from The Domino Theory.   What did you get me?

Not a damn thing, huh?  That’s the same thing you get me every year!

Fine.  Be that way then.  If you’re going to be like that, I’m going to hand out a few lumps of coal to some actors I wish would go away.   I don’t want anything bad to happen to them.  Just disappear so I can go back to the multiplex without any of them messing up my movie-going experience.

Adam Sandler: I don’t get why anyone thinks he’s funny.  If  you find bodily functions and kicks to the crotch hilarious, he’s The Man.  Otherwise, the fact such an underwhelming nebbish has any sort of career is worthy of a congressional investigation.

Chris Rock: Brilliant on stage. Bombs on film.  Isn’t it time to record another comedy album?  Pretty please with sugar on top?

Jennifer Aniston: Yes, you’re pretty. No, you can’t act so please just go away…

Katherine Heigl: … and take her with you…

Kevin James: Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

Al Pacino: This hurts, but Al doesn’t even try to act anymore. He just yells, screams, chews up the scenery and says, “where’s my check?”

Didn't we use to be somebody?

Robert DeNiro: Remember when a new DeNiro movie meant something? Bobby D hasn’t made one of those in a looooong time.  There’s always hope DeNiro will stop wasting his talent on films unworthy of it, but if he doesn’t seem to care, I probably shouldn’t either.

Ben Stiller: Can a human being be even less funny than Adam Sandler, but almost as successful?  Yes, and Stiller proves it. The only Ben Stiller movie in my DVD collection is Tropic Thunder where two supposed comedians, Stiller and Jack Black, were shown up by Robert Downey, Jr.  AND Tom Cruise.  That does take some talent and being one of most unfunny actors working has made Stiller a millionaire. Life’s not fair.

"Damn, I'm hot."

Cameron Diaz:  She’s a great actress!  (No, she’s not!)  She’s a raving beauty!  (Only if you’ve never seen a beautiful woman.)  She’s got a killer body!  (If you’re hot for girls built like boys.)  She’s a total mystery to me! (Totally.)

Zoe Saldana:  Something about Zoe bugs me.  It might be that she keeps appearing in action flicks (The Losers, Colombiana), but is so skinny and frail it stretches logic to believe she could regularly punch out grown-ass men.  It could be that I know she’s attractive, but she never comes off as approachable or even someone I want to pull for.  What it might be is every time I see Saldana in a movie no matter what the film is about she’s always–ALWAYS–cast as the Black girlfriend of the non-Black hero (Avatar, The Losers, Death At a Funeral, Takers, Star Trek).  How does she make two movies with Idris Elba and dodge him in both?  Is it written in her contract?

Eddie Murphy: Went soft. Hasn’t been funny for years. He’s chasing checks just like Pacino and DeNiro and there’s no shame in Eddie’s game.  He’ll be the first to admit he’s been cranking out crap like Norbit and Daddy Day Care.  I applaud his candor.  I avoid his movies.

"Kneel before Zod!"

Angelina Jolie: Don’t know why, but I just don’t dig her. Maybe it’s that “Most Beautiful Woman in the World” jive being shoved up my nose?  I also don’t dig bony ass babes whose lips are bigger than their rib cages.  Stop adopting kids from all around the world long enough to pound down a sandwich.  Or two.  Or three.

Shia LaBeouf:  I have a theory the brilliant minds in Hollywood get it in their heads that certain actors/actresses are the greatest thing since sliced bread and if they just keep putting them in movies over and over eventually YOU. WILL. LOVE. THEM.

This is the only reason I can come up for the continued existence of Shia LaBeouf.

Ryan Reynolds:Beefcake gets no duller or dumber than this. Reynolds possess A-list looks sabotaged by his D list talent.  He killed the Blade movies, desecrated Deadpool and Green Lantern is a stone cold, leadpipe lock for one of the worst movies of the year.  Stop this guy before he kills another superhero franchise.

Meryl Streep: Yeah, I said it. Since when is changing accents in every movie considered great acting?   One minute Meryl’s nailed a French accent or an English accent or a Polish accent or a German accent and the next the Academy Awards nominations automatically follow. If Streep rolls over in the morning and cuts a loud fart, there’s a movie critic nearby applauding her authenticity.

"Overrated? Me? Now that is funny."

She is always watchable, but her movies usually aren’t. Streep has had more great performances than great movies.

When Meryl Streep can nail a Black accent and play Madea , I’ll be impressed.

Speaking of Madea…

Tyler Perry was named by Forbes magazine as the biggest moneymaker in Hollywood.  Bigger than Cruise or DiCaprio or Depp.  I supposed I should be impressed the most profitable man in the biz is a Black man from Atlanta.

Porn is profitable. That doesn’t make it good.

The question was actors I wish would go away. I don’t consider Tyler Perry any sort of actor. It takes no acting ability to put on a fat suit, glasses and a wig and turn yourself into a Bible-thumping, gun waving, full of piss and vinegar big Black mama.

All it takes is pandering to stereotypes and the lowest common denominator of your target audience. No acting ability required. All you need to be is a pandering hack.

Perry is very successful at what he does and it’s really kind of sad what he does is make lots of money from making terrible movies.

"I make 'em cheap and they make me rich."

Jennifer Aniston Needs A Magic Negro.

   

"So is Morgan Freeman busy?"

 Are you a formerly “hot”  actreess whose career is in freefall?   Your movies are clearing the theaters like an outbreak of H1N1 and you’re inching ever closer to “direct to DVD” oblivion?

Do what Sandra Bullock did.   Get yourself a Magic Negro. 

Let’s take the example of Jennifer Aniston whose latest clunker, The Bounty Hunter,  reeks of failure and flop sweat. 

The business of Hollywood is to turn pure fantasy into reality.   Fantasies such as Adam Sandler is funny,  Michael Bay isn’t a terrible director, Meryl Streep could play the lead in The Oprah Winfrey Story if she put her mind to it,  and  Jennifer Aniston is going to keep making movies until we all believe she’s a great actress.  

Aniston’s post-Friends career has been the answer to the question, “Whatever happened to the star of Leprechaun?”  

 Aniston is the quintessential California blonde.  She’s leggy, perpetually youthful, fresh-faced and pretty.   Her fans believe she standing on the verge of a breakout role.  The Bounty Hunter isn’t going to be the one as it is getting spectacularly awful reviews (a staggering seven percent  positive on Rotten Tomatoes).     If you remember Robert DeNiro chasing down Charles Grodin in Midnight Run and Mel Gibson and Goldie Hawn on the run from hitmen in Bird On A Wire, you’ve seen this movie already.    There!  I just saved you two hours and ten dollars.   

There’s no chance a  Black actress would still have  a career with as many underperforming films as Aniston.   Whomever her agent is they’ve been remarkably successful in keeping Aniston busy.   When Meg Ryan got both old and weird-looking and Goldie Hawn retired, Jennifer Aniston was there to make the jump from sit-coms to rom-coms despite basically playing slight variations of  her role on Friends.  

Hollywood has always attempted to groom starlets into stars, but the persistence in which it seems six months can’t go by without another Jennifer Aniston movie that looks exactly the same as the last Jennifer movie.  

"You want to know why they call me 'Big Mike', huh?"

At the age of 41, time is rapidly running out for Aniston if she hopes to ever make the  leap from eternally perky ingenue to award-winning, accomplished actress.  She tried the femme fatale part with Clive Owen in Derailed but nobody cared.   What’s left?  Either she’ll have to ugly up and play against type like Charlize Theron in Monster,  contract some terminal disease and die with dignity or she can show her acting chops by taking on a historical figure.  Meryl Streep, Helen Mirren and Hilary Swank can’t do them all, can they?    At this point, Aniston can continue to make plenty of money, but earning respect  will prove to be more elusive.     

So what’s a girl to do?     

Find herself a Magic Negro the way Bullock did in The Blind Side.   

As long as she uses her Magic Negro properly to show how kindly, liberal  and progressive she is by standing up for a poor colored boy or girl who can’t do it for themselves  it’s a lock to be nominated for Golden Globes and Academy Awards.   The critics will praise her for showing her “range” and audiences eat this kind of corny crap up with a knife and fork.  

Magic Negroes come in all sizes, shapes and genders.  Whoopi Goldberg was  the go-to girl for this kind of role, but she kind of wore it out.   Michael Clarke Duncan was the hulk with the healing touch in The Green Mile.  Will Smith showed Matt Damon how to get his mojo workin’ in The Legend of Bagger Vance.   Denzel Washington beat, shot, blew up and tortured anyone standing between him and Dakota Fanning in Man On Fire.  

The undisputed king of Magic Negro roles is Morgan Freeman.   The man just has the ability to bring out the best in White folks.   Driving Miss Daisy,  Glory,  The Shawshank Redemption, Unforgiven, Bruce Almighty, Million Dollar Baby are just a few of the many roles in which Freeman has been the Black man that makes White people want to do the right thing.   Even Batman knew he had to have Freeman as Lucius Fox to make all the wonderful toys he needs to do his job.  

Oh, and remember, Magic Negroes are not subject to Jungle Fever.  Not under any circumstances.  Magic Negroes are supposed to be inspirational, father figures, charity cases, wise beyond their years or hopelessly devoted to turning around the lives of their patrons.   They are not sex objects.   

Jennifer Lopez, another Jennifer whose career has tanked lately, is remaking Goldie Hawn’s Overboard, so maybe Aniston should follow that path.  Aniston is about the age Hawn was when she made Wildcats, the cliched fish-out-of-water story of a woman picked to coach a losing high school football team.    White women and Black jocks go together like peanut butter and jelly, so why not give it a go?    

But Aniston might want to hurry.  With Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman and Renee Zellweger  starting to look a little desperate demand will be high, suppiles low and Freeman isn’t getting any younger.   

"Need some magical healing there, Miss Aniston?"

Stupid Douche of the Week: John Mayer

"D'oh! I'm such a douche!"

I hope…I really truly and sincerely hope John Mayer was high or drunk on his ass when he gave this interview to Playboy.

Because if he’s sober and serious, he’s got a beatdown of Michael Richards proportions coming his way.   Mr. Mayer, this is your Elvis Costello moment.

PLAYBOY: If you didn’t know you, would you think you’re a douche bag?

MAYER: It depends on what I picked up. My two biggest hits are “Your Body Is a Wonderland” and “Daughters.” If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.

PLAYBOY: Because you’re very?

MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’”

PLAYBOY: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.

MAYER: What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.

PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?

MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.

PLAYBOY: Let’s put some names out there. Let’s get specific.

MAYER: I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She’s superhot, and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, “Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.” And you’d be like, “What? We weren’t talking about that.” That’s what “Heartbreak Warfare” is all about, when a girl uses jealousy as a tactic.

John Mayer is a superstud. Just ask him.

I don’t care even a little bit who John Mayer bangs. That’s just indicative of the lousy taste Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson have in men if they let this little weenie bang them.  I just can’t stand these hipster White guys who think because they have a little juice with Black people that gives them a free pass to say whatever ignorant, racist, sexist and stupid shit that comes out their mouth.

Who gives a damn if he thinks Jessica Simpson was “sexual napalm” and he tagged Jennifer Aniston?  He’s still a smug, overpraised, overpaid and undertalented punk.

What’s the over/under for how long it takes Mayer to pull his foot out of his mouth and issue some half-assed public “apology?” I give him two days max.

UPDATE:  I should have taken the under.   Mayer took to his Twitter account to tweet an apology.
“Re: using the ‘N word’ in an interview: I am sorry that I used the word. And it’s such a shame that I did because the point I was trying to make was in the exact opposite spirit of the word itself. It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it, because I realize that there’s no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged.”

“And while I’m using today for looking at myself under harsh light, I think it’s time to stop trying to be so raw in interviews…It started as an attempt to not let the waves of criticism get to me, but it’s gotten out of hand and I’ve created somewhat of a monster. I wanted to be a blues guitar player. And a singer. And a songwriter. Not a shock jock. I don’t have the stomach for it. Again, because I don’t want anyone to think I’m equivocating: I should have never said the word and I will never say it again.”

I notice Mr. Mayer didn’t apologize to Miss Simpson and Miss Aniston for putting their business out in the street or suggesting Kerry Washington provide him with oral favors.

You just don’t see this kind of dickery taken to such a high level. Or is that a new low?

Being a dope who won’t shut up about his sexual conquests is one thing.  Being a sorry, half-ass rock n’ roller is another.  But for John Mayer, a guy who’s as white as a jar of Miracle Whip to say he wants to be a “blues guitar player”  offends me on such a fundamental level I’d like to take his guitar and shove it sideways someplace real painful.

John Mayer the blues guitar player?  More like John Mayer the sexist, racist douchebag.

Hood pass: REVOKED.