Stupid Douche of the Week: John Mayer

"D'oh! I'm such a douche!"

I hope…I really truly and sincerely hope John Mayer was high or drunk on his ass when he gave this interview to Playboy.

Because if he’s sober and serious, he’s got a beatdown of Michael Richards proportions coming his way.   Mr. Mayer, this is your Elvis Costello moment.

PLAYBOY: If you didn’t know you, would you think you’re a douche bag?

MAYER: It depends on what I picked up. My two biggest hits are “Your Body Is a Wonderland” and “Daughters.” If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.

PLAYBOY: Because you’re very?

MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’”

PLAYBOY: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.

MAYER: What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.

PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?

MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.

PLAYBOY: Let’s put some names out there. Let’s get specific.

MAYER: I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She’s superhot, and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, “Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.” And you’d be like, “What? We weren’t talking about that.” That’s what “Heartbreak Warfare” is all about, when a girl uses jealousy as a tactic.

John Mayer is a superstud. Just ask him.

I don’t care even a little bit who John Mayer bangs. That’s just indicative of the lousy taste Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson have in men if they let this little weenie bang them.  I just can’t stand these hipster White guys who think because they have a little juice with Black people that gives them a free pass to say whatever ignorant, racist, sexist and stupid shit that comes out their mouth.

Who gives a damn if he thinks Jessica Simpson was “sexual napalm” and he tagged Jennifer Aniston?  He’s still a smug, overpraised, overpaid and undertalented punk.

What’s the over/under for how long it takes Mayer to pull his foot out of his mouth and issue some half-assed public “apology?” I give him two days max.

UPDATE:  I should have taken the under.   Mayer took to his Twitter account to tweet an apology.
“Re: using the ‘N word’ in an interview: I am sorry that I used the word. And it’s such a shame that I did because the point I was trying to make was in the exact opposite spirit of the word itself. It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it, because I realize that there’s no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged.”

“And while I’m using today for looking at myself under harsh light, I think it’s time to stop trying to be so raw in interviews…It started as an attempt to not let the waves of criticism get to me, but it’s gotten out of hand and I’ve created somewhat of a monster. I wanted to be a blues guitar player. And a singer. And a songwriter. Not a shock jock. I don’t have the stomach for it. Again, because I don’t want anyone to think I’m equivocating: I should have never said the word and I will never say it again.”

I notice Mr. Mayer didn’t apologize to Miss Simpson and Miss Aniston for putting their business out in the street or suggesting Kerry Washington provide him with oral favors.

You just don’t see this kind of dickery taken to such a high level. Or is that a new low?

Being a dope who won’t shut up about his sexual conquests is one thing.  Being a sorry, half-ass rock n’ roller is another.  But for John Mayer, a guy who’s as white as a jar of Miracle Whip to say he wants to be a “blues guitar player”  offends me on such a fundamental level I’d like to take his guitar and shove it sideways someplace real painful.

John Mayer the blues guitar player?  More like John Mayer the sexist, racist douchebag.

Hood pass: REVOKED.