Megyn Kelly is Dreaming of A White Santa

Santa C. will bust a cap in yo ass.

Tis’ the season where Fox News goes even deeper into their batshit-crazy mode with their phony “War On Christmas” rap.

This year, Megyn “Legs” Kelly, the one at Fox who proclaims she’s “a straight news anchor” and not one of the opinion hosts at Rupert Murdoch’s toyshop for conservatives, went full moron in a discussion of an article by Slate writer Aisha Harris entitled Santa Claus Should Not Be A White Man Anymore where, with tongue firmly planted in cheek, suggested helpfully, a penguin get the gig instead.

Legs Kelly didn’t appreciate that. She dropped a big ol’ lump of coal in Ms. Harris’ stocking.

The popular news host told viewers of “The Kelly File,” her hit FNC program, “When I saw this headline, I kinda laughed and I said, ‘Oh, this is ridiculous. Yet another person claiming it’s racist to have a white Santa.’ And by the way, for all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white. But this person is maybe just arguing that we should also have a black Santa. But, you know, Santa is what he is, and just so you know, we’re just debating this because someone wrote about it, kids.”

Of course, a number of critics were quick to point out that Santa Claus is a fictional character. And while he was based on St. Nicholas, a white man, his exact description is largely left up to individual interpretation.

However, after a guest on Kelly’s show defended the Slate article, Kelly extended her argument to further claim that the historical figure Jesus Christ was in fact Caucasian:

“Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean it has to change. You know, I mean, Jesus was a white man, too,” Kelly said. “He was a historical figure; that’s a verifiable fact — as is Santa, I want you kids watching to know that — but my point is: How do you revise it, in the middle of the legacy of the story, and change Santa from white to black?”

I’m a straight news anchor. I only dress like a bimbo.

I’m not a believer in Santa Claus and I have doubts Jesus looked much like that hippie from King of Kings either, but if Kelly wants to believe in two fictional characters, it’s okay by me. I wish she wouldn’t turn the “War on Christmas” into a race war.

Kelly is many things, but dumb is not one of them. “Calculating” is the word I’d use.  She knows how stupid this Santa and Jesus were White crap is. She also knows it makes for great television.  Of course this ridiculousness was pounced upon by Jon Stewart  as yet another example of Fox News being less about reporting the news and more about pushing an agenda.

Kelly “responded” to the mocking disdain by claiming…get this…she was being humorless and those that ridiculed her were race baiters with no sense of humor.

KELLY: This would be funny if it were not so telling about our society, in particular the knee-jerk instinct by so many to race-bait and to assume the worst in people, especially people employed by the very powerful Fox News Channel.
I acknowledged — as Harris did — that the most commonly depicted image of Santa does in fact have white skin. By the way I also did say Jesus was white. As I learned in the last two days, that is far from settled. For me, the fact that an offhand jest I made during a segment about whether Santa should be replaced by a penguin has now become a national firestorm says two things. Race is still an incredibly volatile issue in this country, and Fox News, and yours truly are big targets for many people.

Wait a minute…I know it’s here somewhere…O.K.,  Megyn, here’s your “victim” card.

“Offhand jest?” “Fox News and yours truly are big targets for many people?”

Agh. The stupid. It burns.

Yup. We’re White, all right.

Kelly claims she’s a non-ideological “straight news anchor.”  If that’s true, why didn’t she interview Aisha Harris whose article put her panties in a wad in the first place?

That’s what a journalist would do. At least, a real one who doesn’t suck up airtime to throw a phony-ass pity party for herself and the number one cable news channel.

But because A Madea Christmas just came out we must understand Kelly’s fear of a Black Santa.

Imagine you’re Megyn Kelly and you learn to your horror Santa is a big 6’5″ Black man from New Orleans in drag and he’s comin’ down your chimney to leave some coal in your stocking.

And you ain’t gonna buy him off with no damn cookies and milk!

You’d pray Santa was White!

“Megyn, yo’ ass has been naughty!”

For the Love of Dirty Laundry

Even when the room is full it’s empty.

This was not prompted by any event specific event being bandied about on the television, on the radio or online.   Think of this as a primal scream from a particularly dark night of the soul.   No single event set me off.  It’s more of a cumulative effect of overexposure to too much raw bullshit being passed off as “news.”

I’ve come to a realization.   It isn’t original or even profound.  It just took me a while to recognize it even when I was having my nose rubbed in it.

The Washington press are lapdogs to power and privilege, starved for the newest “scandal,” live on the table scraps from their favorite insiders like John McCain and Newt Gingrich and do a lousy job of investigative journalism, interviewing and simple reporting.

As time goes by, I have less and less regard for the incestuous insider relationship between Washington-based “journalists” and the political power hub they slavishly bend the knee to.

If a Washington-based talking head tells you it’s freezing outside and there’s a snowstorm coming, open all your windows, put on a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses and plan for a picnic at the beach. They lie, they deceive and they mislead.

What attracted me to journalism in the first place was I believed in how it was the unofficial Fourth Estate that served as part overseeing the Presidency, Judiciary and Legislative branches.

The press loves to quote Thomas Jefferson’s “…were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter” because it make them feel good about themselves.  What the press prefers to forget is Joseph Pulitzer’s admonishment that “A cynical, mercenary, demagogic press will produce in time a people as base as itself.”

If we’re not there yet, we’re well on the way to getting there, folks.

As just another cash-feeder to their corporate owners (CNN, Fox, MSNBC and the three network news programs, I’m looking at you) the first thing to go in these sleek, but stripped down to little more than fancy studio sets and movie special effects is foreign bureaus because who cares about what’s going on in Asia or Africa?  The next is anything that smacks of investigative reporting and documentaries.   The last and most obvious is even the thinnest pretext of objectivity.

We’re not mad as hell, but they’re trying to drive us mad as hell.

Coming from someone as opinionated as I am and as distrustful of the protestations from the press of their “impartiality” that might sound funny, but there’s nothing amusing about it.  As a calling I don’t know anyone still with a job feeling real comfortable about it.   As a craft, journalism is killing itself with its own unprofessionalism and sloppiness.  Reference CNN’s absolutely abysmal coverage of the Boston Marathon bombing where mistake after mistake after mistake was made for the evidence of  this.    I’ve had it up to here with the whole “get it first now and we’ll get it right later” mindset.

When the most sensible “journalist” is Jon Stewart that is a sure sign how lousy the profession of journalism is because  typically I cannot stand Jon Stewart.

At this time, I’m struggling not to give in to the prevailing sentiment that what we laughingly call “the mainstream media” is only concerned about superficiality, scandal, sex, sleaze, celebrity and mindless amusement of the masses while the critical, complicated and difficult decisions and issues go ignored and unreported.  And I’m losing that struggle.

I’ve never been more unhappy about the state of journalism or more depressed to be a journalist.   I hate to think that Sarah Palin was right.  About anything.   But she wasn’t all wrong when she dubbed the press “the lamestream media.”

We call it news, but only because that’s better than calling it what it has become; infotainment on a level that Network could only hint at.  Once upon a time  Paddy Chayefsky‘s Network was hailed as dark satire.   Now it’s  Monday night programming on cable news.

Not a real journalist but more respected than those who are.

I make my living off the Evening News
Just give me something-something I can use
People love it when you lose,
They love dirty laundry

Well, I coulda been an actor, but I wound up here
I just have to look good, I don’t have to be clear
Come and whisper in my ear
Give us dirty laundry

Kick ’em when they’re up
Kick ’em when they’re down
Kick ’em when they’re up
Kick ’em when they’re down
Kick ’em when they’re up
Kick ’em when they’re down
Kick ’em when they’re up
Kick ’em all around

We got the bubble-headed-bleach-blonde who
comes on at five
She can tell you ’bout the plane crash with a gleam
in her eye
It’s interesting when people die-
Give us dirty laundry

Can we film the operation?
Is the head dead yet?
You know, the boys in the newsroom got a
running bet
Get the widow on the set!
We need dirty laundry

You don’t really need to find out what’s going on
You don’t really want to know just how far it’s gone
Just leave well enough alone
Eat your dirty laundry

Kick ’em when they’re up
Kick ’em when they’re down
Kick ’em when they’re up
Kick ’em when they’re down

Kick ’em when they’re up
Kick ’em when they’re down
Kick ’em when they’re stiff
Kick ’em all around

Dirty little secrets
Dirty little lies
We got our dirty little fingers in everybody’s pie
We love to cut you down to size
We love dirty laundry

We can do “The Innuendo”
We can dance and sing
When it’s said and done we haven’t told you a thing
We all know that Crap is King
Give us dirty laundry!

~ “Dirty Laundry” by Don Henley & Danny Kortchmar

A Little Off-Color Humor, Anyone?

"Damn glad to meetcha. Hey...WHAT THE...????"

Since President Obama is usually on the receiving end of their scorn, when the Republicans gathered in New Orleans  last week for a conference someone must have thought it might be a nice change to mock him instead.   So some genius decided to hire a Obama imitator named Reggie Brown to do a send up of America’s first Black president.

Things didn’t quite turn out the way the Repubs might have hoped.  Brown spoke to The Atlantic about what happened when his routine was cut short:

Was a Republican political conference different from the stuff you usually do?

I normally do corporate comedy, so I’ll travel around and do everything from medical associations to lawyer groups, things of that nature. This was the first major political event I’ve ever been invited to, so I was real excited to get up and perform my material. I thought it was cool that a lot of the people in my act–the candidates–were going to be there. Because my latest material is based on the 2012 candidates, and for them to all be there, I thought it would be a great opportunity to make ’em laugh and poke a little fun at them. I thought that showed a lot for the Republican sense of humor.

Did the organizers give you any guidance about what type of humor they were looking for?

No, no guidance was given prior to the show. They booked me to come down based on my website and the links my manager forwarded them of my recent work. I was booked to do my routine.

What was your intention going in? Seemed like you tried to kind of hit every target, Democrat and Republican.

Oh yeah. Our show is designed to be fair and balanced. If we hit the Republicans we hit the Democrats, and then the Tea Party. We want to make it accessible to everyone, and let everyone have a good time.

So walk me through what happened out there on stage? What was your point of view?

"Stop me if you've heard this one. Two Republicans walk into a bar..."

So I came out and was going through my material. I was loving it, the audience was loving it–great energy. We’re feeding off each other. And I started to get into my set about their candidates for 2012, and the Mitt Romney joke drew a lot of ‘oohs’ and ‘aaahs,’ but also a lot of applause and laughter. I delivered a couple more on Pawlenty and Gingrich, and then as I started into my Michele Bachmann joke and her PowerPoint slide came up on the screen, the music came up. I thought it was a technical error, because we do occasionally experience a glitch with the PowerPoint. Then the mike cut out, and the gentleman came on stage and told me my time was up.

Did they indicate that they were unhappy with your performance? What did he say?

No, not at all. He just came out and said, ‘Sorry, your time’s up.’ I thanked the audience, went backstage, and a few of the organizers were saying, great job, very well done, we’re all excited for you. I left the stage feeling like I’d done a great job. It was awesome, it was great.

There have always been comedians who imitate presidents. White comedians from Rich Little to Dana Carvey have been well paid to do impressions of Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan Bill Clinton and both Bush presidents.  Now we got a problem because a brother is trying to make a buck off of doing Obama?

Maybe Brown isn’t that funny and he isn’t. His jokes are a little on the lame side, but there’s a difference between not being funny and catering to White racism. As long as he doesn’t cross that line, I got no problem with Brown.

Whether or not Brown’s hustle is making White conservatives laugh about a Black conservative, that doesn’t mean he’s standing up there with a bucket of KFC extra crispy and a .40 ounce pretending he’s the president.

Whenever it is said you can’t make fun of President Obama because he’s the first Black president, we are saying he has to be treated “special.”  Politicians are subject to be mocked and Obama is a politician.  He can take a joke and so should everybody else as long as it’s not malicious or pandering to bigots.

Comedians have always made fun of politicians and they always should.  The screw-ups of puffed-up politicians are a fertile gold mine for jokers.

Contrast that with Herman Cain whining like a little beeyotch because Jon Stewart made fun of him after Cain said as president he wouldn’t sign any bill longer than three pages.

"Five chicken dinners? Over here, buddy!"

Cain said,  “I am an American. Black. Conservative.  I don’t use African American, because I’m American, I’m black and I’m conservative. I don’t like people trying to label me. African American is socially acceptable for some people, but I am not some people.”

I love it when Black conservatives play the race card.  Their hypocrisy is so delicious.

The Herminator needs to get a X-ray for his funny bone. It’s Jon Stewart for Godfather pizza’s sake! He didn’t make fun of Cain because he’s a Black conservative. He made fun of Cain because he’s a fool that happens to be Black.

Getting a giggle out the screw ups is what a comedian does. Cain should realize Stewart is an equal opportunity offender so come on Herman.  Put on your big boy Pull-Ups and get over yourself.

Somewhere in America there’s a brother working on his humorless Herman Cain impression.  Maybe Reggie Brown is looking for a partner?