The Rules of the Writing Game

RULE #1:  Write Alone.  

Writing is like masturbation.  It’s best done in private.  It’s awkward when done before an audience.   If a spouse, significant other, roomie, or BFF ever says, “I want to watch you write.  I’ll just sit over here and be quiet,”  gently and lovingly kick their ass out.  People are noisy and noise is distracting and distracted writing is bad writing.

My writing area is in my son’s room on the home PC.   There is a window on my left shoulder and a door on my right.  The significance of the strategic placement of these objects will be made clear shortly.

I write with music.  Jazz when I’m trying to get my thoughts straight and rock when my mind is a jumbled puzzle of chaos and disorder.  And not just any kind of rock.  The the loud, brutal, head banging kind of rock.   I serve up some KornNine Inch Nails, Ministry or Rob Zombie when I need to blow the bad shit out of my brain.  This is the kind of music you wouldn’t play for your grandparents unless you didn’t like them and wanted to drive them stark, raving mad.

I don’t have a dog but if I did, I’d keep it out of the room when I’m working.   Dogs may be man’s best friend, but not when he’s lost in a thought.   Some dogs are patient and comprehend their master is busy at the moment and does not want to play catch or get licked on the face.   Other dogs don’t give a shit.  Those dogs are every bit as much of an attention whore as a Kardashian near a camera.   They gotta go.

Cats are the same way.  When they want to petted, stroked or fed, they want what they want and don’t care what you want.   If you simply must have a pet in the room limit it to a goldfish.  A goldfish doesn’t need to be walked and isn’t going to jump in your lap breathing its hot stank breath in your face. Added bonus:  If a goldfish starts bugging you, pour it down the toilet and get another one just like it tomorrow.  After you’ve finished the Great American Novel.

A window can be a distraction if you allow it to be one.  I get inspiration from the sights, sounds (and occasionally the smells) of the world outside.  If I lived in New York City I’d be overcome by sensory overload.   I won’t say it makes the work go any easier, but it can be a welcome break from the occasional grind of getting the words to line up just so.

The door doesn’t offer as much inspiration, but it does afford a certain degree of privacy.   Privacy is important when you’re writing, but I keep the door open wide enough so when others in the house pass by they realize my groans, moans and sighs are based upon frustration with how the work is coming and not satisfaction because I’m touching myself inappropriately (I did say writing was like masturbation, remember?).

Plus, if you write in your pajamas, ratty old house coat, tighty whities or butt nekkid, do you really want the rest of the world to see you looking like a red-hot mess while you’re furiously tapping away at the keyboard?

RULE#2: Writing does not require a suggestion box.

There is a terrible misconception non-writers have about writers. Or to be specific, non-writers have a terrible misconception about me as a writer. I don’t write for them. I write for me. I have no idea what I should write to please an audience, so I try to please myself and hope an audience finds it pleasing too. This is the only way I know to make it work. I’m not sure any other way does.

” Jeff, why don’t you write about (fill in the blank)?”

Oh, maybe because I don’t want to, that’s why? I’m a opinionated and informed man, but there are many things I’m not informed of and have no opinion on. Some subjects take time, research, fact-checking, verification, analysis, data-mining and just more plain hard work than a 500 word blog post can do justice to.

There are hundreds of stories I would like to tell but can’t because of a lack of time to tell it the way it needs to be told. If you can’t go all the way, why go at all? Nothing is as obvious as sloppy writing because the author cut corners, took shortcuts and generally half-assed it.

You want to know why I can’t stand Rush Limbaugh? Not just Angry White Man persona, boorish behavior and caveman politics, though that’s plenty reason enough. How can I trust someone who never says, “I don’t know.” Limbaugh always has an opinion about everything. Whether it makes any sense is not the point. Rush will always have a point whether he knows jack or shit about the subject.

Limbaugh is what my dear departed Daddy called, “smart-ass White boys. They pontificate, they pronounce and they pose when in truth not a one of them knows nuthin’ about nuthin’. How many times are writers told to write what they know? Well, what if you don’t know anything?

I’m a writer and a journalist, not a talking head, not a professional pundit and prognosticator. Whatever little credibility I have comes from knowing when to call my shot and what the game is before I do. You can’t predict the pitcher with scorch a 90 mph slider across home plate the sport is basketball, not baseball. It makes you look ridiculous and I hate to look ridiculous.

Which is another way of saying I not only write what I know, I write what I’ve learned and if I have learned nothing and know nothing, I write nothing. Case in point: Hey, Jeff! Did you see the cover of Vogue magazine with Kim Kardashian and Kanye West? What did you think about that?!

Insert vacant stare here. You can add a little drool coming from the side of the mouth to the effect.

I didn’t think anything about it. What do I care about people I’m not interested in on the cover of a rag I don’t read? Put Kimmy Cakes on the cover of Field & Stream or National Geographic if you want. I still cannot begin to tell you how many damns I do not give.

Easy reading comes from hard writing. For me, writing about the lives of the rich and for no reason famous is like being waterboarded with gasoline; It might not kill me, but I’d sure wish i were dead and put out of my misery.

People who make suggestions of what you should write do it to be helpful. I get that. They also do it because what they want you to write is probably something they want to read but lack the skill to write it themselves. That’s understandable, but seriously–go take a class or something and learn how to DIY.

There’s this quote from Bill Hicks I liked so much it’s on the header of my blog, “I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.” I’m not opposed to people making suggestions and bringing something to my attention, but I have my stuff to do and coming up with ideas of what to do next has never been a problem for me.

Rule#3: I am not a tortured artist.

The biggest load of bullshit since the fertilizer truck turned over on the freeway is this nonsense you must write everyday. Uh…and what if you don’t want to write today because you don’t have anything you want to write about? This thing about writers suffering for their craft is a total load. If writing drove me to drink, depression and despair, I wouldn’t do it. I’d learn how to crochet or take a long walk around the park on a sunny spring afternoon and synchronize my eyes checking out the pretty girls jogging. Who needs a splendid miseries in their life? Not me. I want to be taken seriously and respected, but it’s not so vital to my existence if I remain obscure, unsung and unnoticed that I’m going to jump from a great height and turn myself into street pizza. It ain’t no ways that important. Maybe in death I’ll earn the kudos I hoped would be forthcoming in life. More likely that’s not going to be the case.

Stressing out when the words on the paper or screen don’t line up as precisely as they do in my head is frustrating, but hardly a reason to torture myself. I’m a serious writer, but writing isn’t all that serious.

Writing has a therapeutic effect on me. I haven’t gone out and bought a gun because I can write out my anger. I haven’t killed any of the richly deserving bastards who so desperately need to stop breathing air because I can call them bastards in my writing. I haven’t broken the law with my deviant fantasies and violent tendencies by setting them loose on an unsuspecting world because all that dark, creepy stuff has an outlet with the power of the written word. All of us have our inner demons. Writers have found a way to pimp theirs out and make a buck off of them and it is a darn good thing we have. There would be a lot more socially maladjusted serial killers and sexual predators if they couldn’t get their ya-yas out pressed between wood pulp and selling for $25.95 on Amazon.

I am not a martyr for my art. I do not suffer silently in a life of quiet desperation. I am not a tortured artist craving your acknowledgment and pleading for acceptance. Far from it. I’m a good writer and dammit I know I am. That long dark night of the soul stuff? Been there and done that and got the T-shirt to show for it.

My confidence in my ability came the old-fashioned way: I earned it. I know what it feels like to be ignored, to be belittled and to be told in no uncertain terms you suck eggs. If you can’t cope with rejection, don’t be a writer. You won’t last because when the whole world seems as though its conspiring against your talent you got to believe in yourself. That’s the only thing that will pull you through and enable you to come out on the other side with your soul intact.

I do not suffer for my art. Far from it. I write what I like because I like writing. As Gloria Steinem once said, “Writing is the only thing when I’m doing it, I don’t feel like I should be doing something else.”

I know what she means.

Jackasses and Fame Whores

Doorknob and Doofus

Doorknob and Doofus

A few years ago affter Kanye West pulled his “Hey look at me!” stunt at the MTV Video Awards and showed up Taylor Swift no less than the President joined in the chorus of disapproval and called West, “a jackass.”

Kanye has worked very hard since to justify that put down.

The other day he said in an interview his bleached blonde bobblehead swerlie, Kim Kardashian was “more influential than Michelle Obama” and that Barack’s bunkmate, “cannot Instagram a pic like what my girl Instagrammed the other day,”

Kanye puts down Michelle Obama for not putting up pics of her sticking her butt in the camera like Kim.   Let that thought sink in for a moment.  Then laugh at the utter absurdity of a silly Negro like Kanye who actually thinks The First Lady of the United States has less going on that a brain-dead bimbo whose only claim to fame is screwing horny idiots with more jism than brain cells and making a sex tape.

Michelle Obama does not Instagram pics of her ass, Kanye.   You do understand she is the First LADY, not the First Ratchet, right?

I can’t even get mad about this.  One must pity not scorn those attempting to navigate life when they are mentally challenged.  Kanye is about to be Kardashianed and he is doing it freely and of his volition.   I’m happy for the brother.   Things have gone too good for him and he found a whole new way to mess that up.

Keep it classy, Kimmy.

The First Lady will be SO jealous.

After all Kanye is a GENIUS.  Just ask him.  He’ll tell you himself.  Of course, the “G” label gets slapped on the unworthy and the undeserving all the time.  After Lou Reed passed I read somewhere that the Velvet Underground were America’s version of The Beatles. I almost busted a blood vessel laughing so hard at that one. Critics ALWAYS want to proclaim some musician or director or writer is a “genius” based on nothing more than THEY like them.

Remember when The Knack came out with “My Sharona?” Music critics creamed their jeans over them only to find out they were just another overhyped one-hit wonder. There are landfills all over America full of records, tapes and CD’s of shooting stars that shot their wad. Kanye gets the love because the pool is so shallow and he comes off like a whale in an ocean full of minnows.   Whether he deserves the critical love is another matter.

Upon closer inspection, the brother peaked with Late Registration. Maybe Graduation, but when he dropped 808 and Heartbreak he jumped the shark with a jet-ski. The brother is running on vapors and there’s no gas stations for 100 miles.

Rappers specialize in bragging, babbling and b.s., but Kanye has completely abused the privilege.    In ten years he’ll be playing state fairs while Kimmy K. will have taken her Tasty Kakes on to the next fool.

It’s 2013 and Kanye is so far removed from “genius” status it ain’t even funny. Stevie was a genius. James was a genius. Miles was a genius. Prince was a genius. Michael was a genius. Aretha was a genius.

Kanye is a poseur with a big mouth. That’s not genius. He’s old news. Next?

As for the love of his shallow life,  If Kanye’s happiness comes from banging a talentless skank who dumped the last sucker after a sham 72 day “marriage” and will DO EXACTLY THE SAME THING to Kanye when Mama Kris gives the order, then he deserves the royal reaming he’s going to get when they extract his wallet by pulling it right out of his ass. I wouldn’t tap Kim if I were dying of a disease and the cure was stuffed up her hot dog-in-a-hallway semen dumpster.

Who wouldn’t want to be her and live the life she lives? Only any woman with class, confidence, intelligence, goals, self-respect that doesn’t want her “fame” to come from perverts rubbing one out to a video of her gobbling the nuts of some fake-ass rapper like a oversexed squirrel.

Kim Kardashian is a fame whore, a vagina on two legs and a perfectly good waste of skin.    If that makes me a sexist, I plead guilty.  She’s still been the downfall of more Black men than diabetes.

Many have theorized Kanye’s descent into self-parody coincides with the death of his mother.   Possibly, but I’m not a therapist.   However, he is wealthy enough to afford an army of good ones.   Or at least he is until Kim and Kris clean out his accounts.   Kanye should really take his own advice:  Get a pre-nup.

The Mermaid and the Moron.

Bad Taste Is Timeless

Don’t kiss her! You don’t know what’s been in that mouth (or maybe you do).

A culture built upon trash produces trashy celebrities.   It’s no longer important to have done anything worth celebrating.  What is important is how notorious the deeds are that make you a celebrity.

Tom Cruise and Kate Holmes are over.   Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have only just begun.  Jesus wept.

Some folks have taken offense to West’s new song immortalizing his chickenhead girlfriend as a “Perfect Bitch”.

I can’t imagine why this would offend anyone.    Who’s a bigger bitch than Kim K?  Who else has raised zero talent and upscale skankiness to an art form? Paris Hilton showed the world how excessive amounts of plastic surgery, a overinflated sense of entitlement, and extremely casual morals can pay off handsomely.   Kim K. raised the game to the next level.

Kim IS Kanye’s “bitch.” I’d be more offended if he called this doorknob (everybody gets a turn) a “lady.”

He could have called her a “stank-ass ‘ho” and still been right and Obama would be too when he called Kanye a “jack-ass.”

Kanye peaked right about the time of “Gold Digger” and Kim is the most popular example going of how slutty behavior and no moral compass can make you millions. As Lisa Lampanelli said, “She’s had more Black cock in her than a urinal at the Apollo Theater. “

Am I coming off as sexist?  Am I being misogynist?   No, I’m just giving it to you raw and uncut.    We were warned.  Never trust a big butt and a smile.   Some of these brothers in their mad pursuit of any White woman walking, limping, crawling, riding a bike or rolling down the street in motorized wheelchair done plumb forgot that.   They see Kim K. and start’ fiendin’ for dat ASS!

They never think about that long line of plumbers that have cleaned her pipes long before they got there.

Pretty much done with these two fools. I hope they enjoy many years and a virulent strain of herpes together.

Both of these ass clowns are narcissists and raging douchebags, but unlike Kim K.,Kanye does have some skills. At least some that can be exhibited in public. What Kim does best she can show to any healthy Black male in about ten minutes flat in a car’s backseat.

Kim has made herself infamous by her slutty behavior and sleazy willingness to do anything (and anyone) for a buck. She won’t be satisfied until she satisfies every heterosexual Black man. Everybody gets to hit that and I’m sure if I’m not particularly fussy my turn is coming up somewhere in the next ten years or so.

Chickenheads rule the world one zipper at a time.

What appalls me is how she has become a role model for girls dazzled by her fame and fortune and oblivious to how she  achieved it.  Oral sex and banging Black men as a marketing tool?   It’s made Kim and klan millionaires many times over.  It’s easy to call out Kanye for his misogyny, but why grant a pass to the bobbleheads who happily wear the crown? The men who make porn never run out of women who will get naked on camera and jump on top of strange men.  Not every pimp has to recruit his hoes. Some come running to volunteer.

You may dislike Kanye calling Double K a bitch, but if the shoe fits, she’ll slap on the kneepads, apply the Chap-Stick and suck it.

Kim K. isn’t worth defending by women who feel calling her a “Perfect Bitch” demeans her.   She’s into being demeaned.  Especially, when it gets her what she could never achieve on her own as she can’t sing, dance, act, or tell a joke.  What she can do is screw Black men and promote her own talent:  endless and relentless self-promotion.

Why would a brother whose biggest hit was a song dissing gold diggers  start swapping body fluids with the most notorious gold digger in the world?

If you fucking with this girl then you better be payed
You know why
It take too much to touch her
 From what I heard she got a baby by Busta
My best friend say she use to fuck with Usher
I don’t care what none of you all say I still love her

It’s all about the publicity, baby!   Go head baby, get down.

When did Stupid become the New Smart?

The plastic perfection of a Kim K. made her famous for being famous.

This country is a place where supposedly education and intelligence is praised and held up as things to be emulated and admired, but that’s really just lip service.  America is a profoundly stupid country and stupidity is celebrated, rewarded and put on a pedestal where the rubes hope they can get a glimpse of some brain-dead “celebrity” who went outside forgetting to put any underwear on.

Case in point:  When Jon “Don Draper” Hamm, of Mad Men fame called out the utterly dismal black hole of SUCK that is self-made media whore,  Kim Kardashian,  he struck a blow for common sense  in a country kidding itself that a big butt must mean big talent.

“Whether it’s Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a f***ing idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you’re rewarded significantly.”

I defy anyone to tell me Kim Kardashian has any discernible talent.  Can she sing?  No.  As this video amply proves.  Can she dance? No  Prince kicked her dead ass off the stage during a concert because she moved like her feet were nailed to the floor.  Can she act?   No.  Even a notorious suck-up like Barbara Walters snarked, “You don’t have any talent.”

Which is undeniably not true.  The Kardashians are talented in whoring themselves out for entertainment of the easily amused  masses.  Set aside making sex tapes, banging Black jocks and generating an empire estimated to be worth $65 million, there isn’t a talented bone in the entire Kardashian Krew.

They’re stupid people and if not for Kimmy’s pillow biting playtime in front of the camera, all she would be known as if Paris Hilton’s equally plastic ex-gal pal.   However, the suckers who buy their books, clothing line and other crap are even stupider.

Which makes me wonder how many Karadashian fans live in Mississippi, a backward dead zone, where 52 percent of those polled believe President Obama is a Muslim.   Maybe Mississippians aren’t as hot and bothered over Kimmy K. as other outposts of imbecility since she does have a noted taste for the brothers and 29 percent of residents of the cradle of the Confederacy say interracial marriage should be illegal.

There are a handful of places in this country I have been where I would never return for neither love or money and Mississippi ranks in the top spot.  I hated everything about it when I was there.  It was unfriendly, depressing, creepy and most of all, dark.  Even in daylight, It seemed as if the sun was too embarrassed to shine there and I could not wait to leave .  The imbecility of the state is surpassed only by its rancid racism.  Mississippi is The State Time Forgot and the doltish beliefs of its right-wing residents is an embarrassment to the nation .

Appeals to stupidity might account for Rick “Obama is a snob for wanting everyone to go to college” Santorum winning the majority of support from his fellow Troglodytes of the Magnolia State.  Or it just proves stupid is as stupid does.  Santorum is just as aghast at an uppity Black Muslim in the White House as the good citizens of America’s poorest state are.

It’s a race to the bottom where the dumbest views must be equally weighed and considered as though they were coming from M.I.T. scholars instead of dopes too dumb to come out of the rain and accept the President of the United States is every bit as much as citizen and a Christian as they are even if he does have more melanin in his skin.  These people look at Barack Obama and see their worst nightmare come true:  the unholy spawn of an African and a White woman who is smarter than they are, more accomplished than they are, and has the audacity to look them in the eye as someone just as good as they are.

It used to be the news was a safe harbor from the yammering of the ignorant.  No longer.  Now the news isn’t about interviewing experts for their informed opinions.  It’s about “newsmakers” who haven’t succeeded, but failed miserably, holding forth as if they were wise men and women.   Nowhere are miserable failures celebrated and revered than Fox News where a loser and quitter like Sarah Palin can have her narrow ass kissed by a professional ass kisser like Sean Hannity to babble nonsense about subjects she knows nothing about.

The picture that launched a million boners for conservative men.

Sarah Palin: “Our President is one who is trying to divide our country,  He is not in this to unify America and to solidify our place as the exceptional nation in the world. He is trying to divide us based along lines of gender, of religion, of income, even of race. Look at his embracing of Derrick Bell, the radical college racist professor who he, you showed in a video last night, embraced literally and figuratively, asking others to open their hearts and minds to the radical agenda of a racist like Derrick Bell who believed that white men oppress blacks and minorities. And Barack Obama, evidently at least at the time, believed what Derrick Bell believed.”

You’d have to be stupid to believe Palin ever knew a thing about Derrick Bell before one dead man,  Andrew Breitbart, tried to futility slime another one from the grave.   Palin has no clue who Bell was, what he believed or what he stood for.  Stupidity is a no impediment for Palin.    Conservative White men think she’s hot even if she’s one point above being brain-dead..

I refuse to play along with the idiot game of entertaining the asinine assertions of know-nothings reveling in their appalling ignorance.   “What if” questions are boring and arguing hypothetical scenarios is a waste of time.    Kim Kardashian isn’t worth expending one more moment of thinking about her utter uselessness and neither is acknowledging unhinged and racist lunatics who buy into the Birther bull crap because they are intellectually incapable of imagining any scenario where they would have to regard a Black man as a figure of authority and respect.

Obama Derangement Syndrome is a sickness and Birthers are among the most terminally ill infected.  The entire belief the president is an alien subversive is no different from any other apocalyptic cult and those that believe are imperious to evidence or reason.  So why entertain their fantasies and feed their sickness?  The best way to handle these zombies is by starving them of the attention they feed off.

It's like coming home. If home is racist, fat and stupid.

What Clint Eastwood Thinks About Gay Marriage

Mr. Eastwood strongly disagrees with your opposition to gay marriage

Clint Eastwood is an iconic actor having played Dirty Harry, Josey Wales, and The Man With No Name to name a few and has won awards and accolades as the director of Unforgiven, Million Dollar Baby, Mystic River and Letters From Iwo Jima.

He’s also one of the coolest guys ever to walk the earth.

At 81, Eastwood is a Libertarian who is at the perfect age. The age where he doesn’t give a damn what anybody thinks as he makes crystal clear in an interview in GQ magazine.

I’ve always liked Clint the Squint.   Even when I didn’t like one of his movies or his conservative politics, I’ve always liked him.   He’s principled, direct and doesn’t talk stupid bullshit just to get a cheap headline.  Some actors who are publicity hounds would have made a big deal of it when President Reagan copped the Dirty Harry iconic line, “”Go ahead.  Make my day.””

Eastwood just shrugged it off and went about his business. Like I said: cool.

Plus, he loves jazz.  Anybody that loves jazz scores extra cool points in my book.

It’s safe to say anyone wanting to have a long and successful career in politics will have neither if they speak forthrightly and directly about what they think. Actors are freed from the burden of having to turn their words into action which means they can speak freely in a way a politician never can.

For example, ask Mr. Eastwood what he thinks about gay marriage and he has a clear and unequivocal answer.

I don’t want Clint Eastwood to run for president. We’ve tried actors in that role before and I didn’t care for the last guy who had the gig. I’ll settle for J. Edgar being a good movie.

In light of the staged farce that was Kim Kardashian’s 72 day/$14 million dollar wedding, it is safe to say the biggest threat to the sanctity of marriage isn’t two gay people who want to be one.

Those who oppose gay marriage say it’s a mockery of their concept of “one woman + one man” don’t seem to view shrewd deals that aren’t actually marriages that are staged for money and attention with the same critical eye.

Sham celebrity sex marriage is a bigger threat than same-sex marriage could ever be.

Apparently, as long as it’s two heterosexuals mocking the institution of marriage it’s okay. But two women who have been in a committed, loving and monogamous relationship for years wanting to put a ring on it is a threat to all that is holy and sacred.

Which is, as Mr. Eastwood said, “crap.”

“I was an Eisenhower Republican when I started out at 21, because he promised to get us out of the Korean War,” Eastwood says in the interview. “And over the years, I realized there was a Republican philosophy that I liked. And then they lost it. And libertarians had more of it. Because what I really believe is, let’s spend a little more time leaving everybody alone.”

Works for me.