This Is How Tom Brady Sacked Himself

Same as Watergate, the cover-up is always far worse than the crime.

If Tom Brady were smarter than he is egotistical he would have said, “Hey, I like the football to be soft. I like any competitive advantage I can get. It’s not cheating, but I apologize. Bill me” and probably skated with no suspension, a $25,000 fine and a stern “don’t do that again.”

Do that, and we’re all over and done with Deflategate, the dullest and  least insignificant “scandal.”   The Patriots cheated?  In a game where they anally violated the Colts 45-7?   In God’s name WHY?   Brady is as close to a football god as we’re likely to see.   Swallow the icky medicine Lady Brady and go make another Super Bowl run.

But oh no, that wasn’t good enough. Tommy Boy decided not only did he want NO suspension and NO fine and NO punishment for cheating, he wanted the NFL to bend over and apologize to him. Hubris and dickish swagger, thy name is Brady, Belicheat and Kraft.

Sorry, but no player, no coach, no owner and no team is bigger than the rest of the NFL. Brady wouldn’t cooperate, came up with a bullshit story about destroying his phone and dared Roger Goodell to suspend him.

Dare accepted. See you in court.

Bradys-soft-balls

Nothing is certain in a court of law, but judges do not like overturning the decision of an arbitrator. That’s why there is arbitration in the first place; so these matters don’t end up in a judge’s courtroom. That’s where the Patriots will be placing their hopes Brady will be able to play in the season opener

Brady is risking delaying his suspension until later in the season when the Patsies might need him for a playoff push, but hey, better to feed his ego and hurt the team than own his screw-up and take his medicine like a big boy.

Hope it’s worth it to you, Tom. Pride is a nasty mutha.  Lose this match against the league and you lose big, baby.

Guess we’ll find out how a judge sees it. I’d still take Lady Brady in my fantasy football draft team, but I’d still want a good back-up for the first four games.

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Who Wins Super Bowl XLIX? Satan or Hitler?

Cheater vs. Cheater

Cheater vs. Cheater

This is all written with tongue firmly in cheek.   Am I really comparing two NFL coaches with an insane Nazi and the Prince of Darkness?   No, I am not, so unclench. 

We’re standing on the verge of Super Bowl 49 as the defending champion Seattle Seahawks take on the New England Patriots and because these sort of things are always reduced to a chess match between the coaches, it’s one lyin, cheatin’ ass coach in Billy Belichick against another lyin’ cheatin’ ass coach in Petey Carroll.

The game is billed as Patriots vs. Seahawks,  but when both sides are full of assholes you can stand it more like ISIS vs Al Qaeda,  explosive diarrhea vs inflamed hemorrhoids.  This is a battle between  Satan vs. Hitler because they’re both evil.  One is just more evil.   If only there were a way both of them could lose in a 0-0 tie after four overtimes that would be okay by me..   Mostly I’ll be happy if the Seawhores ram an inflated football up the ass of the Patsies.

As a 49ers fan I have no rooting interest for either side.   As a 49ers fan I already hate the fucking Seawhores,   As a 49ers fan its blasphemy to pull for the Seawhores.   As a 49ers fan, I’ve seen Russell Wilson rip apart the secondary, Mumbling Marshawn Lynch run around, over and through the D-line, and watched helplessly as Richard Sherman made All-Pro based on lighting up Colin Kaepernick.   As a 49ers fan, I hate fucking Seawhores because they absolute own the 49ers.

But I hate the fucking Patriots more.

 

Everything wrong with the NFL is what’s wrong with the Patriots.  The head coach is a cheater.   The quarterback is a whiner and a cheater.    Now I’m not saying Belichick is in league with Satan, but if Satan is pulling for anybody in the Super Bowl, it has to be the Patriots.   If the Seven Deadly Sins are Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy and Pride, I can make a case the Patriots are guilty of at least five of them.

This doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of reasons to despise the sight of Petey Carroll including being a 9/11 Truther (possibly) as well as leaving as head coach at the University of Southern California to take over the Seahags just before the school got busted by the NCAA for rules violations (definitely).   The kids he left at USC got stuck with the sanctions while Carroll cashed big checks from Seawhores owner Paul Allen.

Am we evil? Yes, we are!

Carroll ethical lapses and questionable character make it hard to pull for him, but the repeated way the Patsies flip the bird at the entire NFL with their persistent insistence the rules do not apply to them the way it does to the rest of the NFL makes it impossible to pull for them.   The Homeless Guy in the Hoodie must have “if you ain’t cheatin’ you ain’t tryin’ on his scrotum and that’s enough to make me cheer for the Dallas Cowboys and I hate the stinking’ Dallas Cowboys.

Given the choice between Hitler Pete and Satan Bill, I’m gonna reluctantly roll with the dictator and hope like hell Belicheat, Lady Brady and the Patsies take the “L” today.   A humiliating loss would be good.  A vicious blowout would be better.

Seawhores: 24 – Patsies:  17

No Love from the Patriots for Kyle Love’s Diabetes.

“I lose 20 pounds and you’re cutting me? What’s up with that?”

If May is such as slow month for the NFL why am I riffing about it twice this week?  Mostly because when one of the league’s premier franchises decides they want to do Evil just to be Evil, it really works my nerves.  Especially when it hits me in a personal way.

Two weeks after he was diagnosed with diabetes, former New England Patriots defensive tackle Kyle Love was released by the team via a non-football injury designation.

Okay.  Now that’s just wrong.

“This comes on the heels of Kyle having been diagnosed within the past two weeks with Type-2 diabetes,” Richard Kopelman, Love’s agent, told ESPN. “Naturally, we are disappointed that the Patriots decided to part ways with Kyle, especially in light of the fact that a number of elite professional athletes with diabetes – both Type-1, which is known to be far more difficult to manage than Type-2 diabetes – have had very successful careers in professional football, hockey, baseball and basketball.”

“Prior to the diagnosis, Kyle recently experienced unexplained weight loss, but since being diagnosed and having altered his diet, Kyle has regained most of the weight he lost, is in good health, and was not limited in any way during offseason workouts in which he was engaged up until being told he would be released.”

Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler has Type 1 diabetes which is much harder to control, but it’s easier to cut a starting defensive tackle than a quarterback.  Love has lost 20 pounds while dealing with his Type-2 diabetes.   The Patriots cut Love loose for trying to get healthy.  How cold of a move is it to kick a guy to the curb because he is trying to save his life?

At 6-foot-1, 315-pounds, Love is a big man, but the NFL is full of big men who are sloppy fat. Others are almost freakishly fast and strong even while carrying over 300 pounds.   Many football players develop diabetes and other chronic diseases when they retire from the game.  It seems to me Love is being penalized by the Pats for putting his immediate health first and they didn’t even give him a shot to see if his on-field performance suffered any drop-off.   Forget about Tim Tebow.  THIS is what being blackballed looks like.

“Mumble…mumble…wonder if they’ll have soup tonight at the shelter…mumble…”

Like 28 million other Americans who suffer from diabetes,  I am a Type 2, insulin-dependent diabetic and it bothers me that a NFL team can cut a player loose for sharing my sickness.  The thought that my employer would up and fire me because I have a disease sends a cold chill down my spine.   If you have diabetes and you’re a NFL player, you might want to keep that to yourself.   You might be  better off coming out as gay than a diabetic.

I’m hopeful some other team not as coldly ruthless as the Patsies will give Love a change to renew his career.  He should get a shot somewhere.  Love has played in 41 regular-season games over the last three seasons, with 25 starts, and was credited with 36 tackles and 5.5 sacks.  Love has flourished as a space-eater in 3-4 defenses where he frees up linebackers to make plays.  I’d love to see Love wearing 49er crimson-and-gold, but I would bet some other team with a worse record signs him off the street first.

“Having consulted with leading authorities on the effects of Type-2 diabetes, we have every reason to believe that Kyle will, in the immediate future, be at 100 percent, and will be prepared to participate in training camp in a couple of months,” Kopelman said. As Kyle said, ‘there is no way something like this is going to stand between me and a long and successful NFL career.’”

On the off chance he doesn’t have a long and successful NFL career because nobody picks him up after he clears waivers, Love might consider looking at suing the Patriots for violating the Americans with Disabilities Act.   At the very least, the NFLPA should step in for Love and sue the living snot out of the Patriots over this dick move.  If they don’t, the players should disband their union because it is as useless as it is impotent. Deadspin read the EEOC regulations just to be sure:

Diabetes also is a disability when it causes side effects or complications that substantially limit a major life activity. Even if diabetes is not currently substantially limiting because it is controlled by diet, exercise, oral medication, and/or insulin, and there are no serious side effects, the condition may be a disability because it was substantially limiting in the past (i.e., before it was diagnosed and adequately treated). Finally, diabetes is a disability when it does not significantly affect a person’s everyday activities, but the employer treats the individual as if it does. For example, an employer may assume that a person is totally unable to work because he has diabetes.

I ‘ll add this to the reasons I hate the Patriots.  I already hate Bill Belichick for being a slob who dresses like a homeless person, cheats and is an arrogant asshole.  I already hate Lady Tom Brady for being compared to Joe Montana and being the biggest crybaby and a bit of a punk (I haven’t forgotten the play where he dropped into a slide with his spikes up and gouge Ed Reed in the man package).  I already hated their owner Robert Kraft for all those years I ate Kraft Macaroni and Cheese when I was a poor, starving college student.

Now I can hate the Patriots for being discriminatory dicks as well.   Best of luck to Mr. Love with both next season and the rest of his life.

“Kyle Love? Jeff Winbush wrote about you too?

What If They Played A Super Bowl and Nobody Cared?

Super Bowl Roman numeral what the hell ever.

Hey hey, hey! It’s Super Bowl Sunday!  The national holiday where you can eat too much, drink too much, hang out with friends, family and total strangers and overindulge while you settle back to watch what is billed as the greatest game of they year and more times than not turns out to be a pretty boring football games featuring the favorite teams of somebody else.

Two weeks ago, I suffered through my 49ers literally fumbling away their opportunity to punch their ticket to Indianapolis and win the right to square off against Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots.   Alas, Kyle “Butterfingers and Bad Knees” Williams literally couldn’t get out of his own way so the Niners are home and it’s the more lucky-than-good New York Giants would will square off against Captain America and the Mad Genius.

If I was a gracious loser and a good sport, I would say I wish both the Patriots and the Giants all the best and that they play a good, clean game, have fun, and may the better team emerge victorious.

Like HELL!

I would say that if I were a gracious loser and a good sport, but since I hate losing and I’m a bad sport, I will say I don’t give a rat’s ass which one of these teams wins or loses and I’m more interested in the commercial and whether Madonna will have a “wardrobe malfunction” and flash a 53-year-old boob during the halftime show.

The Material Mommy limbers up for The Big Game.

The horror…the horror…

Okay. That’s not true. Nobody wants to see the Material Mommy’s mammaries. However, I am more interested in the commercials than I give a rat’s ass about who wins the game.

If my Niners can’t win, I’m hoping the game ends in a 0-0 tie.  That would be fun.  It’s sort of liberating to have no rooting interest and not have to care who wins or loses.   As far as I’m concerned, I’m more interested in collecting my fantasy football winnings than I am what terrible medley of songs Madonna wheezes through or how Brady and Eli Manning are playing.

It’s not that I’m a sore loser as much as i am a disinterested spectator.   I’ll be at a buddy’s crib with a bunch of the fellas drinking a few beers, eating more chips and chicken wings than I should and hoping against hope the game isn’t breathtakingly boring and the commercials aren’t as forgettable as all the commercials from last year I’ve forgotten about now.

I might even watch some of the halftime if for no other reason than to watch Madonna power lift a few of her dancers or rip a football in half or something.

Just be ready to hustle granny and the kids out of the room if Justin Timberlake shows up.

Having a miserable time. Glad you're not here.