I Got 49 Problems But the Saints Ain’t One

Get outta my way! I’m trying to keep this job!

The 49ers went down to N’awlins and came back with a 31-21 victory over the Saints.

I hate the Saints.   I hate the Cowboys and some other teams too, but the hate I have for the Saints burns hot, high and bright.  Not like I want anything bad to happen to Drew Brees or anyone on the team, but I hate the way those swaggering, thuggish, roguish mofos act like they are they are the most formidable offense in the NFL.   Let’s get this straight.  The Saints are only as good as Brees is on any given Sunday.  If he’s having a bad game, there is no “Plan B” to fall back on.

The Saints running backs are Darren Sproles, Pierre Thomas, Chris Ivory and Mark Ingram and all of them are given a chance to tote the rock.   Whenever a team uses a running back by committee approach it means they don’t have one that’s good enough to deserve the majority of the carries.   Marcus Colston is a fine wide receiver, but he doesn’t dominate the way a Calvin Johnson.   The only guy who dominates is tight end Jimmy Graham, but his four receptions for 33 yards made no difference on the game’s outcome.

It’s Crunchtime in the Big Easy.

As for the Saints defense, as good as the offense is, the defense is just as bad.   No wonder head coach Sean Payton and ex-defensive coordinator Gregg Williams instituted their bounty program.   The stiffs they dress up in those ugly black-on-black and gold-trimmed uniforms are among some of the most talentless losers in the league.  I wouldn’t trade the worst player on the 49ers “D” for the best one on the Saints (and I can’t think of whom their best player might be).

As a 49ers fan, there was NOBODY I wanted them to beat more this season than the Saints. After the whole Bountygate mess from the playoffs, it’s an established fact the Saints are a dirty football team. Beating their butts in their own house in front of their fans only makes the win all the sweeter. Playoffs? Not for you, suckers!

The story for the sportswriters coming out of the game is the supposed “quarterback controversy” between Kapernick and Alex Smith.  Look, no offense to Smith.  He’s a good quarterback.  He’s good enough to win more games than he loses and he’s good enough to make enough plays to get the Niners into the playoffs.   As he showed against the Saints last January, he’s good enough to use his arm and his legs to win a big game,

But here’s the thing.   After beating the Saints in the playoffs, the only thing standing between the Niners and a return to the Super Bowl was the New York Giants.   The two fumbles by wide receiver Kyle Williams gave the game away to the G-Men and Smith had a solid, if unspectacular game (12-26, 196 yards, two TD’s), but only completed one pass to a wide receiver.

The Niners knew they had to upgrade their receivers and went out and signed Mario Manningham away from the Giants as a free agent, lured Randy Moss out of retirement and drafted A.J. Jenkins with their first pick in the draft.   Manningham has only been okay, Moss has had flashes of former brilliance and Jenkins hasn’t played a single down (but may have to now that Williams is out for the season with a torn ACL).

None of that mattered when the Giants returned to San Francisco in Week 6 and rolled out with a 26-3 win that was never close and Smith was terrible throwing three interceptions and no touchdowns.

The Niners and the Giants look like they’re on a collision course to meet again in the playoffs.   The Giants have beaten them two out of the last three games.   Given another shot, Smith might be able to redeem himself from the beat down the Giants served up, but when the book on the 2012 season is written, that might have been the moment when head coach Jim Harbaugh realized how low Smith’s ceiling is.

It’s all fun and games until someone loses their job.

When Smith suffered a concussion against the Rams it opened the door for Kapernick to stroll through as the starter.   The unspoken rule in the NFL is a veteran isn’t supposed to lose his job due to injury.  But ask Drew Bledsoe how Tom Brady made the most of his shot and never let it go.

In pro football the next man up is always one play away from starting.   Maybe he’s only enjoying a few fleeting moments of glory before he crashes and burns but Kapernick is going to make the most of his chance.   I’m a little conflicted about how he got that chance, but after seven seasons I already know what Alex Smith has to bring to the party.    In Kapernick, the 49ers have a shiny new toy to play with.   I’m curious to see how he handles the pressure.

What If They Played A Super Bowl and Nobody Cared?

Super Bowl Roman numeral what the hell ever.

Hey hey, hey! It’s Super Bowl Sunday!  The national holiday where you can eat too much, drink too much, hang out with friends, family and total strangers and overindulge while you settle back to watch what is billed as the greatest game of they year and more times than not turns out to be a pretty boring football games featuring the favorite teams of somebody else.

Two weeks ago, I suffered through my 49ers literally fumbling away their opportunity to punch their ticket to Indianapolis and win the right to square off against Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots.   Alas, Kyle “Butterfingers and Bad Knees” Williams literally couldn’t get out of his own way so the Niners are home and it’s the more lucky-than-good New York Giants would will square off against Captain America and the Mad Genius.

If I was a gracious loser and a good sport, I would say I wish both the Patriots and the Giants all the best and that they play a good, clean game, have fun, and may the better team emerge victorious.

Like HELL!

I would say that if I were a gracious loser and a good sport, but since I hate losing and I’m a bad sport, I will say I don’t give a rat’s ass which one of these teams wins or loses and I’m more interested in the commercial and whether Madonna will have a “wardrobe malfunction” and flash a 53-year-old boob during the halftime show.

The Material Mommy limbers up for The Big Game.

The horror…the horror…

Okay. That’s not true. Nobody wants to see the Material Mommy’s mammaries. However, I am more interested in the commercials than I give a rat’s ass about who wins the game.

If my Niners can’t win, I’m hoping the game ends in a 0-0 tie.  That would be fun.  It’s sort of liberating to have no rooting interest and not have to care who wins or loses.   As far as I’m concerned, I’m more interested in collecting my fantasy football winnings than I am what terrible medley of songs Madonna wheezes through or how Brady and Eli Manning are playing.

It’s not that I’m a sore loser as much as i am a disinterested spectator.   I’ll be at a buddy’s crib with a bunch of the fellas drinking a few beers, eating more chips and chicken wings than I should and hoping against hope the game isn’t breathtakingly boring and the commercials aren’t as forgettable as all the commercials from last year I’ve forgotten about now.

I might even watch some of the halftime if for no other reason than to watch Madonna power lift a few of her dancers or rip a football in half or something.

Just be ready to hustle granny and the kids out of the room if Justin Timberlake shows up.

Having a miserable time. Glad you're not here.