Don’t Believe the Superhype

"I left my Dab in San Francisco..."

Sorry. There is no dabbing in the Super Bowl.

The only thing we like in America more than celebrating our winners is tearing apart our losers. We wildly cheer them one week when they thrill us and we boo them without mercy the next when they do trip up and do a face plant.

Cam Newton smiled and threw touchdowns and dabbed and danced his way to a Superhype Bowl. Then a funny thing happened. He essentially wet the bed in front of 111 million people.

Superhype Bowl 50 did likewise. Two teams clenching, grappling, and throwing half-hearted pokes at each other (at least both the offenses were pretty anemic) until someone screwed up in a way their defense couldn’t cover for their ineffectual asses.

How bad were the Panthers and Broncos on offense? This bad.

The Panthers had 21 first downs. The Broncos had 11.
The Panthers converted on 3 of 14 third downs. The Broncos on 1 of 14.
Cam Newton and Peyton Manning tasted the tacky, torn-up turf of Levi Stadium a combined 12 times in sacks.
The two teams fumbled seven times losing four of them.
Both quarterbacks threw more interceptions (1 each) than touchdowns (none).
Both quarterbacks combined for slightly over 300 net yards passing which is pretty awful in Roger’s Goodell’s pass-crazy NFL.
The two teams punted 15 times.

That’s some lousy football, folks.

Didn't do much to win it. Just didn't too much to lose it.

Didn’t do much to win it. Just didn’t too much to lose it.

The Panthers lost ugly and the Broncos won ugly and everyone still had to go to work the next day. The game was bad and the commercials were bad and Coldplay was really bad. Where’s so super about that?

Cam Newton led the Carolina Panthers to a 17-1 record going into Super Bowl 50. Then for the next 60 minutes he played like shit and now those 17 wins before that second loss don’t count?

Newton didn’t lose the Super Bowl. Not by himself though it’s his contributions which will be scrutinized without pity or mercy. He fucked up over under sideways down, but the hammering the Panthers took on Sunday night in San Francisco? That was a team loss.

Newton didn’t play well enough but Jonathan Stewart and the running backs didn’t run well enough and Ted Ginn, Jerrico Cothcery, Greg Olsen and the receivers didn’t catch enough passes. Graham Gano shanked a makeable field goal. The offensive tackles couldn’t block a busload of angry nuns let alone DeMarcus War and Von Miller who regularly snatched the jocks of Mike “Turnstile” Remmers and Michael “Don’t Put Me On The Blindside” Oher on their way to smash Newton again.

Head coach Ron Rivera fussed and cussed and wasted his red flag challenges and pretty much stood on the sidelines looking like a man who just knew he had left his wallet in the toilet before the National Anthem. Offensive coordinator Mike Shula had no clue what to do to keep Cam from getting creamed because whoever the offensive line coach is hadn’t told him before leaving the stadium at halftime and was updating his resume on Linkedin in a cab on his way to the airport.

After the game Manning shamelessly plugged Budweiser and denied CBS an announcement that this was indeed his last rodeo which indeed it needs to be because his right arm has all the strength of a wet noodle. For what his contributions were to the Broncos 24-10 win, there are third-string scrubs on 31 other teams who could eke out a limp stat line of 13 completions on 24 attempts for 141 yards, no touchdowns and one interception.

Please retire, Peyton. You got your 200th win and your second Superhype Bow ring. Now go sit down and hum that horrible Nationwide Insurance theme while you pound down some rancid Papa John’s pizza and wash it down with some nasty-ass Bud. See you in five years when you go into the Hall of Fame.

Go away, Peyton.

I repeat: THERE IS NO DABBING IN THE SUPER BOWL.

I repeat: THERE IS NO DABBING IN THE SUPER BOWL.
As for Cam and the crew, there is no dabbing at the Superhype Bowl. For your immediate future there is only an incoming storm of endless condemnation of how immature you are and how you need to grow up and respect the game.   Oh, and you and your team are a bunch of choking dogs.   They’ll probably remind you of that too.

Shake it off, Cam. If they didn’t like you before, they’re loving how much they get to hate on you now. If success has a thousand fathers and failure is an orphan, you’re all alone in the end zone as you gloomily reflect upon how close you came and how far you still have to go.

This was an unsatisfying end to an extremely satisfying season. Winning 17 games and a league MVP does not suck. The Panthers are young and tough and if the front office is smart, they’ll find some more receivers and some offensive tackles that can roadgrade oncoming linebackers. Put that on your “to do” list, and I guarantee the Panthers will be back in the Superhype Bowl before the Broncos are.

But until then, Newton and the Panthers will hear it loud and hear it loud. Hear it good and don’t forget how it made you feel when you heard it. Then next season, remember those names and make them laugh out of the other side of their mouths along with the split lips and broken teeth.

The Panthers aren’t going to sneak up on anyone next season. Good. When they see you coming with blood in your eyes it will make the ass-whupping you’re bringing with you all the worse.   Let their hate be your fuel.

I hope those Panthers are not playing the 49ers next season. That is, unless they get rid of Colin Kapernick and the Niners run Blaine Gabbert out there. Then I want the Panthers to stomp the cowboy shit out of them.

See you at SB100?

See you at SB100?

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Why Hate Cam Newton Because He Has More Fun On His Job Than You Do?

Cam is the Man for the Fans.

Cam is the Man for the Fans.

One of the smarter moves I made last year was calling up DirectTV and asking for a discount on the NFL Sunday Ticket (and I ended up getting it for free).  Last year was the first year I actively avoided Niners games.  It made zero sense to pay $300 to watch the 49ers stack up 5 wins against 11 losses.  That would have been an expenditure even my extremely tolerant wife would have given the side eye too.

I can’t say what any other Niner fans did to escape watching a deadly dull football team stumble through such a rotten season even the Cleveland Browns put a foot all up in that ass,  but my refuge was to follow the Carolina Panthers and their charismatic QB, Cam Newton, the likely NFL Most Valuable Player.

The Panthers went 15-1 in the regular season and crushed the Seahawks and Cardinals on their way to the NFL Championship and punched their ticket to Super Bowl 50 where they face the Denver Broncos, hoping to win what appears to be a last run for a ring for 39-year-old Payton Manning.   The Broncos feature a kick-ass defense and an aging, creaky QB who looked frail and fragile at times this season, but rebounded somewhat in the playoffs.

It should be an epic match-up between the old gunslinger trying for one last shot at glory and the new fast draw who is cocky and on top of his game.    As dreary and miserable as slogging through the 49ers’ Season in Hell was, the tonic was watching the Panthers’ wide-open offense and take no prisoners “D” plow through the NFL, and it was enjoyable to watch Newton play with a smile on his face  and making plays with his legs as well as his arm.

Newton had the sort of season where it wasn’t only fun to watch him, he was having fun doing it.   The trouble is if you have too much fun in the No Fun League you’re going to take some from the fans (not Carolina fans mind you).

15-yard penalty for Dabbing While Black.

Don’t Hate Me Cuz U Can’t Dab Like Me.

Here’s a sampling of the dogpile from Pro Football Talk:

Newton’s style is obnoxious, juvenile and bush league that’s why people don’t like him. Not because he’s black. Russell Wilson is black and NFL fans respect his style because it is professional and shows humility.

·         Cameron “the thief” Newton celebrates a first down when he is losing by 24 points. The guy is the definition of ME ME ME.

 ·         Newton has always been about trying to get as much attention as he can get. It doesn’t matter to me whether or not it can be backed up. I just can’t find it possible to actually like him.

 ·         I don’t think any fan has a problem with celebrating. But Newton celebrates every TD like he just won his 15th straight super bowl, cured cancer, and created an unlimited source clean, free energy for the planet.

 ·         Once Cam Newton starts acting like a Professional he will be elite like Peyton.

I always enjoy when someone says “it’s not because he’s Black” and then immediately follows up with an example of a Black person they find acceptable.  It’s even more hilarious to say when Newton starts acting professional like Peyton Manning that will make him elite.

Does that mean Newton has to start shilling lousy pizza for a right-wing millionaire and be investigated for using human growth hormone?

Football is both a kid’s game and a billion dollar business. Cam loves the kids and the kids love Cam, especially when after the Panthers score, Newton hands a ball to a kid who is usually so excited they’re probably going to sleep with that ball for the next five years.

Young, Incredibly Gifted, and Black. Rich, too!

No kid who gets a football from Newton thinks he’s a selfish showboat who only cares about himself.  Newton pisses off other players and purists, but he’s delighting the Panthers fans and developing a national following for the team.  That’s good for the business of the NFL which is far from being the most fan-friendly sport.

Cam Newton does not take games off because he’s getting drunk and lying to his employers or fighting in strip clubs or depositing babies across the NFL     If the worst thing anyone can say about Newton is they don’t like how he celebrates a touchdown, they should be mad at the other team’s defense for not stopping him.

I don’t know if Newton reads James Baldwin, but he explained it a long time ago when he said, “The power of the white world is threatened whenever a black man refuses to accept the white world’s definitions.”  All those small-minded types clutching their pearls and grumbling how Newton doesn’t act like that nice Russell Wilson or that elite Payton Manning are missing the point.  Cam Newton chooses to define himself and that threatens the White world that insists only they can do that.

They will never forgive Newton for that so he might as well keep on dancing and dabbing and having a good time all the way to a Lombardi Trophy on Sunday.

If Cam Newton scowled and frowned his critics would say he needs to smile more.   He can’t win with them and shouldn’t bother to try.

Thankyouforlettingmebemyselfagain.

 

Will San Francisco become Peyton’s Place?

The 49er faithful is dreaming this will be the reality

It’s hard to imagine Peyton Manning wearing any other uniform than the blue-and-white of the Indianapolis Colts.

BUT…

If by some twist of fate, stroke of luck (not the Andrew Luck kind), or divine intervention, the San Francisco 49ers beat out the Tennessee Titans and Denver Broncos in the teams vying to sign the 35-year-old signal caller, the 49ers immediately become Super Bowl contenders.

At least that’s what the hype will be. In truth, no matter who the quarterback is next season, the 49ers will be on the short list of teams favored to be in the Super Bowl. If they land the biggest free agent prize since Reggie White, the Niners will become the prohibitive favorite.

Truth is, getting Manning in his mid-thirties is not like getting him in his early twenties, but even a older Manning is worth a look and the 49ers would be stupid not to at least kick the tires on Manning to see how many miles he has left. Whether it’s for two or three years, Peyton Manning on the downside of his career is still light years ahead of Alex Smith, last year’s incumbent.

Smith, the former Number One draft pick, showed marked improvement under coach Jim Harbaugh and he can play in the NFL, but Smith isn’t in Manning’s league. Despite the jeers from opponents that Smith is little more than a “game manager” who is basically told not to make mistakes and cost the Niners, Smith showed he can win a game with his arm and legs as he did when the Niners beat the New Orleans Saints 36-32 in the best game of the season.

The NFL has been rocked by the scandal involving the Saints’ system of setting bounties to deliberately injure opposing players. The league is extremely image conscious and for the Saints, a former Super Bowl champion and the kind of feel-good story that’s hard to pull against to deliberately trying to take guys out is indefensible. That’s why the “Where will Peyton play?” storyline is such a welcome distraction.

If Manning chooses the 49ers he’s going to have some questions he wants answered. Who is he going to throw the ball to? The Niners have an All-Pro in tight end Vernon Davis who is probably drooling at the prospect of being on the receiving end of Manning’s passes and Michael Crabtree, whose potential to become a great wide receiver exceeds his production. Then there’s Randy Moss, once the best wide-out in the game, but trying to revitalize his career after a year off. Manning-to-Moss could be the best tandem the Bay area since Steve Young was throwing to Jerry Rice.

Now THIS is something I could get used to.

What the Niners don’t have is a right guard to protect Manning. Last year’s starter, Adam Snyder split in free agency and his backup, Chilo Rachal probably won’t be resigned either. The team could use another threat at wide receiver other than the aging Moss and the streaky Crabtree. There are still a few left in free agency and if Niners don’t grab one they will probably look for a stud in the April draft.

My expectation is Manning will stay in the AFC with the Titans or Broncos than join the Niners in the NFC where he would at some point butt heads with the New York Giants and brother Eli, the owner of two Super Bowl rings to Peyton’s one and the team that beat the Niners in the NFC Championship.

Still, it’s nice to have these expectations. If Manning goes elsewhere, Smith is probably the second-best option for the 49ers. He’s a nice QB, but he’s no Manning and every Niner fan knows it.  Young agrees as he told Pro Football Talk, “I know Peyton Manning is looking for a team to join now and win a division now and go to the Super Bowl now,” Young said. “That team is the San Francisco 49ers.”

Which is true. All of the three teams can afford to pay Manning the multimillion dollar contract he can command. But which team gives him the best chance to get back to the Super Bowl? The Titans are in the same division as the Colts. If Manning doesn’t want to face off against his brother, does he really want to play his old team twice a year and the Titans are good, but not yet a contender. The Broncos made the playoffs with Tim Tebow, but they aren’t deep or skilled at a lot of key positions.

The Niners made their first priority to keep their defense together. Their biggest needs are on the offensive side of the ball, but Manning has to be intrigued at the possibility of playing with Davis, Crabtree, Frank Gore, and a motivated Randy Moss.

I’m not getting my hopes up. I’d love it if the Niners won the Manning lottery, but am I expecting they will? No.

Still, I’m going to be crossing my fingers anyway that this time next week the future Hall of Famer is sporting crimson and gold with a “SF” helmet and a big smile.

Got Peyton? No, but...