Who Wins Super Bowl XLIX? Satan or Hitler?

Cheater vs. Cheater

Cheater vs. Cheater

This is all written with tongue firmly in cheek.   Am I really comparing two NFL coaches with an insane Nazi and the Prince of Darkness?   No, I am not, so unclench. 

We’re standing on the verge of Super Bowl 49 as the defending champion Seattle Seahawks take on the New England Patriots and because these sort of things are always reduced to a chess match between the coaches, it’s one lyin, cheatin’ ass coach in Billy Belichick against another lyin’ cheatin’ ass coach in Petey Carroll.

The game is billed as Patriots vs. Seahawks,  but when both sides are full of assholes you can stand it more like ISIS vs Al Qaeda,  explosive diarrhea vs inflamed hemorrhoids.  This is a battle between  Satan vs. Hitler because they’re both evil.  One is just more evil.   If only there were a way both of them could lose in a 0-0 tie after four overtimes that would be okay by me..   Mostly I’ll be happy if the Seawhores ram an inflated football up the ass of the Patsies.

As a 49ers fan I have no rooting interest for either side.   As a 49ers fan I already hate the fucking Seawhores,   As a 49ers fan its blasphemy to pull for the Seawhores.   As a 49ers fan, I’ve seen Russell Wilson rip apart the secondary, Mumbling Marshawn Lynch run around, over and through the D-line, and watched helplessly as Richard Sherman made All-Pro based on lighting up Colin Kaepernick.   As a 49ers fan, I hate fucking Seawhores because they absolute own the 49ers.

But I hate the fucking Patriots more.

 

Everything wrong with the NFL is what’s wrong with the Patriots.  The head coach is a cheater.   The quarterback is a whiner and a cheater.    Now I’m not saying Belichick is in league with Satan, but if Satan is pulling for anybody in the Super Bowl, it has to be the Patriots.   If the Seven Deadly Sins are Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy and Pride, I can make a case the Patriots are guilty of at least five of them.

This doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of reasons to despise the sight of Petey Carroll including being a 9/11 Truther (possibly) as well as leaving as head coach at the University of Southern California to take over the Seahags just before the school got busted by the NCAA for rules violations (definitely).   The kids he left at USC got stuck with the sanctions while Carroll cashed big checks from Seawhores owner Paul Allen.

Am we evil? Yes, we are!

Carroll ethical lapses and questionable character make it hard to pull for him, but the repeated way the Patsies flip the bird at the entire NFL with their persistent insistence the rules do not apply to them the way it does to the rest of the NFL makes it impossible to pull for them.   The Homeless Guy in the Hoodie must have “if you ain’t cheatin’ you ain’t tryin’ on his scrotum and that’s enough to make me cheer for the Dallas Cowboys and I hate the stinking’ Dallas Cowboys.

Given the choice between Hitler Pete and Satan Bill, I’m gonna reluctantly roll with the dictator and hope like hell Belicheat, Lady Brady and the Patsies take the “L” today.   A humiliating loss would be good.  A vicious blowout would be better.

Seawhores: 24 – Patsies:  17

Dead Fred: A Cold End For A Bad Man

Dead Fred.

Fred Phelps, the fire-and-brimstone “God Hates Fags” preacher and leader of a flock on inbred idiots called the Westboro Baptist Church, won’t be picketing the funerals of dead soldiers and gay celebrities any more.   His hateful little cult of cretins will probably attempt to carry on without him, but it just won’t be the same without Freaky Fred leading the chorus of ugly screaming and shouting at grieving families.

That’s because Fred is dead and that’s a good thing because when he was alive he was one crazy and annoying man.  He was not a good man.  He did not do kind things.  He was one selfish, vicious, worthless old bastard who lived only to bring misery to the world and we’re all better off he’s no longer above ground polluting the air with his rancid teachings.

Nice people should have nice things said about them when they die.  Nasty people don’t become nice people because they are dead people now and Fred Phelps was not nice people.  Not at all.

If I’m forced to say something good about Fred Phelps, Satan’s newest BFF, it’s this, as a gay friend pointed out. If this loathsome man did nothing else in his miserable excrescence of an existence, he did more to make homophobia hatred so repulsive and repellent it cut right across EVERY diving line. Phelps made the difficult act of learning tolerance far more preferable than his preaching prejudice.

English: Oberlin College, in Oberlin Ohio, on ...

English: Oberlin College, in Oberlin Ohio, on Tuesday May 10, 2000, Gay and Lesbian students kiss in front of the group of anti homosexual protestors. The protests were brought into Oberlin by Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kan., and have also been protesting the General Conference of the United Methodist Church in Cleveland Ohio. Several hundred Oberlin College students turned out to rally against the out-of-town protesters. (Photo/Paul M. Walsh) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Liberals, conservatives, Christians and atheists, hard-Right-wingers and loony Lefties, the reddest of rednecks and the most heavy-handed of Bible-thumpers could agree on this one they: none of them wanted anything to do with Phelps. Even if you didn’t care for your fellow Gay Americans, you didn’t want your dislike lumped in with the rabid insanity of a Fred Phelps.

Phelps never intended to be a unifying force, but he turned out to be one anyway. Everyone could at least unite against him.

Alas, poor Fred. One less inflamed asshole in the world.  One more inflamed asshole burning in the purgatory he wanted to damn gays and lesbians to.  If this all sounds cruel and cold, what do you expect?  Phelps  was a cold and cruel man full of fear and bigotry and that’s all he filled the world with.  The world is already dark enough.  What Phelps contributed was nothing anybody needed.

To the bitter end Phelps was an hypocritical shitheel.  Now that he’s gone all cold and stiff he’s not going to have a proper funeral?  Wassup with that, bud?  Afraid the case of Glee will show up with picket signs?

Fred doesn’t need to be buried.  He should be recycled.  Put him in a yard waste bag, drag his dead ass to the corner and he can be picked up and turned into something useful.   He was full of crap and should make excellent mulch.

He deserves a 21-flush salute.  And then let’s forget all about Fred Phelps.  The same way you forget about a big meal after your body expels it as waste 24 hours later.

That’s Fred Phelps.  Human waste.

Goodbye to all that? Lord, let’s hope so!

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